“Time is limited, so I better wake up every morning fresh and know that I have just one chance to live this particular day right, and to string my days together into a life of action, and purpose.” — Lance Armstrong
Time does not run backwards. You do not get a do-over. Please do not waste another minute with toxic or manipulative people. When you are lying on your deathbed, it is highly unlikely you will say “Boy I’m so glad I wasted my precious life putting up with all the drama and crap in my relationships.”
“Enjoy yourself. It’s later than you think.” — Chinese Proverb
If you had just one day left how would you spend it? Would you waste it putting up with the drama? Look at it this way. What you have left is nothing but a series of single days and you don’t know when one of them will be the last. Make them all worthwhile.
“Every second is of infinite value.” — Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
Relationships are ideal tools for master manipulators. The manipulators are all around you and they are likely controlling you in ways you are not even aware. You do not have to put up with it, no matter who they are. You may think you have no choice, say in the case of a controlling parent, but you do.
Most of the time close family or friends will accept your new relationship rules if you simply insist upon them. They may throw a temper tantrum from hell, but humans are adaptable and they will usually adapt. They can take the new you or leave the new you. They will usually accept the new you.
“The soul that is within me no man can degrade.” — Fredrick Douglas
You do not need the constant and useless drama. There are billions of people out there that you can choose from. Life throws so many curveballs at you that you have little control over, please don’t waste valuable coping capital on toxic or manipulative relationships. If you do, then you are responsible. You are enabling and feeding the sickness. You had it within your power to make a difference and you did nothing.
“There is just one life for each of us: our own.” — Unknown
Think about what you are doing to your healthy relationships by putting up with your toxic relationships? Realize that every time you accept poison from one relationship, you are actually degrading your other healthy relationships. Whatever harms you harms those you love. When a parent or a lover or friend is taking something vital from your life, you are allowing them to take something from others you love. Think about that the next time you look at your child or lover.
“Don’t ever save anything for a special occasion. Being alive is the special occasion.” — Unknown
Manipulators have a story and it’s usually a sad one. They play on your sympathy. This is especially true of family members. They want you to feel sorry for them so you will regularly do their bidding. You might be so used to complying that you do it automatically without even thinking about it. You might not even realize it. You do not owe anybody anything except to yourself. You owe yourself your best damn effort at a fulfilling life.
“Now is a gift and that’s why it’s called the present.” — Unknown
In order to stop the manipulation, you need to stop trying to change the manipulative person. You might as well beat your head against a brick wall. The only effective tactic is to change yourself. Refuse to be manipulated. Force the manipulative person to deal with you on healthy terms. Refuse to accommodate their demands.
At that point they will have a choice: engage you in a healthy way or go elsewhere. It’s their choice. Your choice was to choose to no longer be a victim to their manipulation and control. Your choice was to be free.
“The best time to plant a tree was 20 years ago. The second best time is now.” –Chinese Proverb
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Very well said. This is something I needed to hear a year ago, although I probably wouldn’t have listened at that point in my life. If I had left my last relationship when I realized that she was toxic and manipulative, I could have saved myself from a lot of heartache. But I allowed it to continue, and I refused to stand up for myself, and so I paid the consequences.
It’s over now, and I’m rebuilding slowly, almost back to the point of where I was before all this started. It was a big learning experience…
Jay Schryer´s last blog ..Lazy Summer Days
Outstanding article Stephen,
This was one of my favorite phrases: “In order to stop the manipulation, you need to stop trying to change the manipulative person. You might as well beat your head against a brick wall. The only effective tactic is to change yourself. Refuse to be manipulated.” It always comes back to personal choice.
Jonathan – Advanced Life Skills´s last blog ..Just For Fun!
Hey stephen!
Such an important topic.
i’m not sure about refusing to manipulate though. it’ll just catalyse more resistance and manipulation and negativity. same with instituting rules. sure, your family and friends may accept them but what you’ve done is made the whole saga into even more of a saga. you’ve made it a big deal. and it might be a big deal, but bringing it into attention will make more of a problem, not more of a solution. you’d think that bringing the problem to the surface would solve it but not so in my experience.
to me, the best way to deal with manipulators and even just patent negativity or a destructive relationship is to fully accept the other person as they are. don’t allow them to manipulate you. sure, have your own rules but don’t vocalise them. just enforce them. don’t turn it into a big deal. embrace the other person and accept them.
they’re manipulating because they want something, because they feel they need it. most probably your attention. so rather accept them as they are. they’ll feel this and realise that they don’t need to manipulate. they don’t need to fight and argue and be destructive.
you have to give them space to be. and fill that space with your acceptance. not to make them stop manipulating, but to allow them to be real and positive and create a healthy relationship. trying to make someone stop manipulating, like with rules, tends to backfire badly. they’ll just get more subtle in the manipulation.
i guess it comes down to what you said. what the proverb said (really cool proverb btw), about starting right now.
every moment is another moment to embrace that person. the manipulation cannot survive in your acceptance
provocative stuff
stumbled
keep well stephen
alex – unleash reality
Alex – unleash reality´s last blog ..Buddhist Butchers and Adventures of Change
@Alex, interesting observations.
“same with instituting rules. sure, your family and friends may accept them but what you’ve done is made the whole saga into even more of a saga. you’ve made it a big deal. and it might be a big deal, but bringing it into attention will make more of a problem, not more of a solution.”
However, I see that my statements may have misinterpreted. When I said “insist on your rules”, I didn’t mean articulate them. In fact, I don’t think I have ever done so. My “insist” is an action not a verbalization. It’s a refusal to be manipulated, not the beginning of more drama.
“sure, have your own rules but don’t vocalise them. just enforce them. don’t turn it into a big deal. ”
I totally agree.
“trying to make someone stop manipulating, like with rules, tends to backfire badly.”
Once again I’m not sure you are interpreting me correctly. I don’t mean a “list” of rules. I have no list of rules. I guess the closest thing would be:
“Force the manipulative person to deal with you on healthy terms. Refuse to accommodate their demands.”
I guess you could call that a rule.
Thanks for stopping by!
Yip
all cleared up.
problems with language
…and also i have some pretty crazy friends. one of them actually has a list of what he deems acceptable from his girlfriend. he made her sign a contract before they moved in
kinda like a joke but sometimes people make lists of rules 
all cleared up
keep well stephen
alex
Alex – unleash reality´s last blog ..Buddhist Butchers and Adventures of Change
@Jay, sorry for the problems you’ve had, but great to hear you are back on track. Thanks for stopping by.
@Jonathan, thanks! Yes it always comes back you what you do and not what somebody else does. It’s about owning your own life.
Kind of like the Rules on the left hand side of this site PERSONAL rules…..I am pondering them.
I really do like your blogs and this one is both timely for me and helpful. Thank you.
http://www.happiness-project.com/happiness_project/
Ahem this link….
Great article Stephen! When I read the title, the first thing that came to mind was unnecessary drama and that’s exactly what you wrote about! A book I have about adrenal fatigue refers to manipulative and drama causing people as “energy robbers” and that’s exactly what you do.
Healthy relationships with people who want to uplift their own lives as well as yours will do just that! Relationships with people who cause drama will drag you down. It’s as simple as that! The tough part is realizing it and making a change.
Vin – NaturalBias´s last blog ..Beer vs Soda: Which is Worse?
Great post Stephen, very important issue. Jonathan wells just left the comment that I was going to leave. My favorite part was: “In order to stop the manipulation, you need to stop trying to change the manipulative person. You might as well beat your head against a brick wall. The only effective tactic is to change yourself. Refuse to be manipulated.” I agree that it always comes back to ourselves and personal choice. I might also add that sometimes when we are busy trying to change the other person we are really running from the tough choices and changes that we ourselves need to make. “If I can just get ‘them’ to be a certain way then I won’t have to grow or change.”
Robin Easton´s last blog ..Goofy, Wacky and Happy! …Are You?
Excellent post today! Although I love seeing the message said different ways by different people at the same time as a universal “wake up call”, it is uncomfortable for me to face this truth right now. Thanks for the insight and the “just what I needed when I needed it” message.
TCOY!
Suzanne´s last blog ..Follow TCOY to Inspired to Write
This article is absolutely spot on, we don’t know how long we have on this earth and we have to make the most of every minute. I really needed this today, thank you!
@Mary, thanks for stopping in to comment and the link! Gretchen has a great site.
@Vin, thanks. The tough part is doing something about it. It’s easy to write about it.
@Robin, thanks for the comment. There’s one person you have total control over and that is yourself.
@Suzanne, thanks for joining us. I’m glad you liked it
@kate, you’re welcome and thanks!
Hi Stephen, insightful reading and I love the quote in the end of your article : “The best time to plant a tree was 20 years ago. The second best time is now.” Remind me about the power of now.
Thanks for the great post, Stephen. Stumbled.
Arswino´s last blog ..The Pickle Jar
I love how you used all those great quotes to express your point, it makes it easy to remember. I think the hard part here is to REALIZE you are in a toxic relationship, because most people refuse to see it, get stuck in denial and that is why they never get out, they do not get how harmful it is. Thanks for another great post
Rosa´s last blog ..Yo me río! – I laugh!
This is a wonderful post, filled with so many great insights (and quotes!). I know so many people who would love to read this and would benefit from it and I am definitely passing along the link.
Careful the moments you place in your life for they will never return to you.
The easiest way to know if someone is a manipulator?
If they are not offering you a choice.
Any emotional extortion attached to a choice, is NOT a choice, it is more of a manipulation.
If a person espouses a choice but the subterfuge is, “you have a choice as long as it is the choice I would make” – that’s NOT a choice.
Great article!
Cheers!
I have the stereotypical toxic ex-mother in law. She was/is whiny, manipulative and shows traits of borderline personality disorder. It was tough because I do value extended family and she is my son’s grandmother, but I couldn’t let her treat me that way. So, she either treats me respectfully without drama and bull or I won’t deal with her and she’ll have to go through my ex husband to see our son. Most of the time, she chooses to play the victim and misses out on seeing her only grandchild.
It’s sad that in her nearly 60 years on the planet, she hasn’t figured out that while she might get people to cave in on whatever it is she’s pitching a fit about, she’s also driven them away from any sort of meaningful relationship with her.
Tracy´s last blog ..I am so ready for a 3 day weekend
Wow what a great topic. Interesting as far as the discussion as well. Thanks so much!
Something that’s always fascinated me is why people get stuck in them … the comment by Alex is particularly counterintuitive to me but I sense true.
Thanks for this. One of the things this post reminds me of is that it’s useful to remember that “it takes two to tango” — that there can only be “drama” in a relationship if both people play their assigned parts, whether it’s critic and criticized or something else. When you change your role you may naturally find the other person changing theirs.
Chris Edgar | Purpose Power Coaching´s last blog ..10 Motivational Metal Masterpieces
I’ve been there. I’ve been there for years. Manipulation comes from withing, the outside person is just a projection of your feelings of insecurity and low self-esteem. The moment I started to think I really deserve more, the manipulative person, who seemed solid like a rock so far (or like a mountain impossible to climb) just vanished away.
The real power is to accept yourself as you are and start improving yourself, not searching for outside acceptance, which opens the doors to the manipulators…
Thank you
Dragos Roua´s last blog ..July Mariner Promo Code
I love this article. I know so many manipulative people who throw fits and temper tantrums to try and get their way. They only see the world through their eyes and don’t care about other people. They sympathy card is mostly the tactic they use and when that doesn’t work they start to attack your character and always try to make you out to be the bad guy. Most of the time I simply tell them to grow up. It also amazes me how they seem to have all the solutions to other people’s problems but their own. I’ve just learned to weed these people out and let them go.
@Arswino, thank you. I love that quote too.
@Rosa, I think you are right about the hard part is realizing you are in such a relationship in the first place. Maybe I need to write an article on the signs. Thanks for your support!
@Positively Present, thank you soooo much for that kind comment.
@Tracy, that is too bad. It is strange that people don’t realize what the consequences of their toxic behavior. But I guess the ones who do are no longer toxic.
@ICONICFREEDOM, thank you for the comments. I truly loved this: “Careful the moments you place in your life for they will never return to you.”
@CT Olson, thank you for the comment and for joining the discussion!
@Chris Edgar, your point is well taken. You always need at least one enabler. Thanks for stopping in!
@Dragos, your point about seeking acceptance from the outside opening the door for manipulation is so right on. Thanks!
@Laron, thanks for stopping by. Yes, life is too short to “cure”. Best to just let it go.
wow! I have been married for 21 years We have 3 children. We were albe to move from tx to nm to az because of his employment. I loved moving but when I tried to leave after 7 years together he said he would apply for a transfer to another state and take my children with him. Unfortunatly I believed him they were all in elemetary at this point. 2 yrs ago I tried to leave again. He stalked me, constantlly texted me ect ect ect. Well my 2 oldest graduated high school and they were not talking to me. I didn’t get to graduate myself, so I missed a major point in their lives.:(
Then he anounces he has taken an early retirement and is moving back to az from tx where we were. My youngest son wants me to come with them and I want to be with him. So here I am again.
But I refuse to let him manipulaate me anylonger and will read some of the lines writen above for me to read every day till they are a part of me. And I would also like to print this out for my kids. They talk to me know
Thank you