There is an ultimate aloneness to human existence. No matter how close you are to someone, it is an illusion to think they truly understand you or you truly understand them. At some level you can share your experiences, but ultimately you are alone with your own experiences and you will get along better in life if you accept that and figure out what it means to you.
Being alone and recognition of that reality is part of the maturation process; part of becoming an individual human being. Nobody else has your unique DNA, experiences, feelings, thoughts, and needs. Don’t just accept that uniqueness, celebrate it. It’s what makes you you. It gives you a natural monopoly on something that is truly unique in the world.
Most people hide from this basic fact and end up being absorbed into a relationship or group or culture and accepting the values and expectations of others. In their flight from their ultimate aloneness, they end up living according to the standards and dictates of others.
Most of us do indeed accept the culture, the standards, and the expectations handed to us from others. We go to school, get a job, get married, have kids, work towards retirement, and eventually die all because that’s what we are “supposed” to do. Sounds great doesn’t it!?
My friends often ask me for advice on what do do about some issue. I don’t know why, but I think it is partly because I’m older than most of them (much older than many of them). I think they see me as some old grandfather that dishes out wisdom! 
I hate to give specific advice. When somebody asks “What should I do?” or “Should I do X or Y?”, I don’t want to answer specifically.
I cannot be them. I cannot put myself into their situation. I cannot get inside their head. We are different individual, alone with ourselves. To tell them what they should do is assuming that I can put myself in their place and I cannot. Despite that fact, there is no shortage of “for your own good” advice that gets dished out. I’m sure you know what I mean.
The only way to be truly free is to discover that unique person that is you. Many of you don’t know who that is because you’ve grown up and lived in the presence of pressures to behave according to the norms of others; your parents, your friends, your culture, and your partner. These have likely exerted a great influence on what you think are your values and tastes. This means that who you think you are and what you think you like and need, may just be a result of what you’ve absorbed from others. It doesn’t represent the real and unique you. Taking on the values of others leads to a lot of frustration and unhappiness.
Are you:
- Accepting the presence of a family member you would rather not be around?
- Accepting a relationship (any kind of relationship) that is no longer (or may never have been) healthy and happy?
- Afraid to end unhealthy relationships because you fear the drama of the breakup or you believe to end it would be cruel or selfish?
- Accepting a job you really didn’t or don’t now want?
- Living somewhere when you’d rather be living somewhere else?
- Letting those close to you dominate you to keep the peace?
- Caring for or supporting a relative because “It’s the right thing to do”?
- Accepting commitments and obligations that restrict your time or freedom because it seems right or because you didn’t realize the consequences when you accepted it?
- Doing anything because someone else thinks you should?
If you are doing any of those things or anything else out of a sense of obligation, guilt, or because you’ve been taught you should, you are caught in a trap of family and social restrictions.
It is often the case that we are not doing what we really want to do, but are doing something because we think we should want to do it. We’ve absorbed some value that is not consistent with our true nature. We are living according to those false values and are creating internal conflict within ourselves. This leads to stress, discomfort, and unhappiness.
For example, we may push ourselves relentlessly to be successful because we think that we value a certain kind of success. Deep inside we just want to relax and enjoy life. The false value is something that we’ve absorbed from family, friends, or society.
Ways to Discover Your True Self
Your true self was probably born with you. It is your deep and natural core before you were socialized to be something different. It’s unpretentious and following it will lead to your most authentic joy and happiness.
Pay Attention to Your Reactions and Feelings
What makes you uncomfortable? What makes you happy? Watch for surges in positive and negative emotions and note what caused it. Don’t be afraid and don’t repress. If you discover something you don’t like about yourself, it doesn’t help to pretend like it isn’t there. You may not like it because you’ve been told by everyone your whole life you shouldn’t like it. That’s not a reason.
When I’m expected to do something just to please someone else or when there is some obligation to do something involving someone else that I don’t want to do, I get those surges of negative emotions. It’s not me. The fact that these things might not bother some other people is irrelevant. They are not me. If I repress those and allow that inner conflict to exist, I’m simply fighting who I am adhere to someone else’s values. Who made that rule anyway and why am I supposed to live by it?
What other people do is their decision and their right and what you do is your decision and your right.
Alone Time
If you don’t spend some time alone, you will likely be influenced and inhibited by other people. You simply have to get away from people you know to think and experience without that inhibiting influence. You can then discover things about you that you might not otherwise have known. When I vacation by myself, I do different things than when I vacation with my family or others. And it’s not just because it’s a different kind of vacation, it’s because when I’m not being influenced by others, I am much more likely to do what my true self really wants to do.
Do Something Different
I didn’t think I would like symphonies, operas, or ballets but I do. If I hadn’t gone I wouldn’t know. Do as many new things as you possibly can and pay attention to your reactions.
Pay Attention To Your Fantasies
What do you fantasize and dream about? Seriously, those are a signal to you that you need to explore. Try to experience some of them and see what happens.
Your Life Purpose
This is not the same thing as your true self, but a related and interesting exercise can be found at Steve Pavlina’s How to Discover Your Life Purpose in About 20 Minutes
Finally
“Your life can be an adventure – a continuing stream of new pleasures, excitement, and satisfactions. You can have meaningful, problem-free friendships; you can have love that’s intense and exciting without burdens and compromises; you can produce income in ways that are fun; you can having thrilling experiences that don’t lead to bad consequences.” — Harry Browne
What do you think? Leave a comment below.
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Great post Stephen,
I’m so there and relating to the same issues. One thing you should note is that once you find your true self, once you get your freedom back, your loneliness can become even bigger. Why? Because the norm is to do “what you think you should” as you said.
It’s difficult to find like minded partners or even comfortable social contexts once you step forward into a new consciousness. Thanks, I enjoyed it
Dragos Roua´s last blog ..Holiday, New Domain Name, Full Moon and Projects
Hey!
Great Post:)
This is a topic that I think about a lot. You have to be able to be your own best friend, because ultimately, the only person you have 100% control over is yourself (even that can be hard).
As soon as you are comfortable knowing that you can be happy by yourself, then all your interactions with others become better because you are not taking value from them in the sense that you need them or their input or energy around you in order to make you happy. Then on top of that if you give value, then a lot of things will fall into place:)
Till next time;)
Diggy
Diggy – Upgradereality.com´s last blog ..It is time for adventure – right now
Paying attention to our reactions and feelings is a great way to discover ourselves. I try to do it as much as I can, it helps me get to know myself and then to LOVE myself. I think that`s the most important thing to do if we want to be the best we can.
It`s totaly pointless to live up to society`s expectations, it changes too much and we will never be able to satisfy it completely.
I really, really enjoyed reading this, thank you!
Rosa´s last blog ..Porque yo amo a Michael – Because I love Michael
You are unique,must find the way alone,have the free will,nevertheless advices are welcome.
One of my greatest wishes is that everyone would see how unique (and uniquely wonderful) they are — and that they really can break free of the expectations of others and be their true selves. We’re each unique, have something unique to contribute, and the world really is waiting for us to be just that — who we are.
All the best!
deb
Deb Owen´s last blog ..the view from across the street overnight (indiana church fire)
Hey Stephen, this is a topic that is close to my core. If we don’t take the time to discover our true self we can never fully realize our potential. I devoted the first 6 chapters of my book to this crucial first step on the path of personal development.
You showed a lot of wisdom with this statement: “I hate to give specific advice. When somebody asks “What should I do?” or “Should I do X or Y?”, I don’t want to answer specifically.” We all need to take full responsibility for our decisions and actions. By taking this stand you encourage others in that direction. Thanks for another important article.
Jonathan – Advanced Life Skills´s last blog ..11 Steps to a More Positive You
This is insightful Stephen. I began to find myself when I was by myself. I began to realize who I really was only when I first lived alone.
We only find out who we are when we are quiet and still. Too much of life is spent being the person who fits other people’s viewpoints. It’s easy to live life in the box of being a husband/wife, son/daughter, or best friend, instead of stepping out of the box and being you.
Although I check in on every situation and even every day all day long to make sure I am being true to myself. I still LOVED reading this article. It is something that I feel is at the core of all of us. To me it is of utmost importance. Without being true I merely exist, I never THRIVE. Something would die inside me if I stopped being true.
)
It is a crucial question to ask ourselves in all decisions we make all things we do. And to remember it is NEVER too late to change out minds…and make NEW more appropriate and true choices. This one I am going to print out and share with a friend who can use this right now but does not go online. So thank you Stephen. Good one.
Robin Easton´s last blog ..Is Nature Real?
Hi Stephen, This is my first visit to your blog–it’s great! Good writing here and I like the message. This article is one I wish every 18-year old could read and understand so that they would take the time to get to know themselves well before getting in over their heads with a relationship or group, etc. Your tips on discovering your true self are wonderful. Thank you! Have a great weekend!
Jodi at Joy Discovered´s last blog ..Giving Yourself Permission
Like you, many of my friends and family come to me for a listening ear and a comforting presence. I don’t like giving advise. Most people just need someone to listen. If I am pushed to give advise, sometimes from the other person, sometimes from my own inner intuitive voice, then I will say, “This has been my experience. This is what worked for me. It may or may not work for you.”
We aren’t all on the same path and don’t all need the same experiences. I was in my 40’s when I decided to do some substitute teaching before deciding if I wanted to go back to school and finish my degree toward teaching elementary school. What I discovered was that teaching was my mom’s desire, not mine. I love kids but do better in a one-on-one setting rather than in a classroom full of kids. I did not go back to school to get that degree. As life brings certain kids into my world, I interact with them as needed for our mutual benefit.
Right now, my blog is my avenue for sharing my experiences to help other abuse survivors. I found you through your comment at Lance’s Jungle of Life blog. I meet the most interesting people through Lance’s blog.
Patricia – Spiritual Journey Of A Lightworker´s last blog ..Independence Day
Thanks for this post. It reminds me of an exercise I’ve been doing recently that feels kind of edgy for me to talk about but I’ll do it anyway.
There’s a road next to where I live where the speed limit is 25 but people usually go about 45. I have been driving along at 25 or 30 to avoid getting pulled over (which happens to people on that road), and of course some people get behind me and tailgate me and honk the horn, and I just keep going 25, and breathe in the sensation of knowing these people are getting impatient, but reminding myself that I don’t have to violate the speed limit just because they want to go faster. This has been a great exercise.
Hi Stephen,
I loved this post of yours. I do agree with you completely….that realizing and finding your true self is by far the toughest thing to do. But once you have made up your mind and realized that you need to change and become more YOU there is no stopping you.
I loved the following line:
“Don’t just accept that uniqueness, celebrate it. It’s what makes you you. It gives you a natural monopoly on something that is truly unique in the world.”
Very beautifully written.
By the way this is my first visit to your blog..through questforbalance.com, and i must say i loved every minute of it. Will be subscribing to your blog. Keep up the lovely job youre doing. God knows the world needs more people like you.
Zeenat Merchant Syal{Counselling Psychologist&Naturopath´s last blog ..Sometimes i Just wonder…
Great article, Stephen! It relates well to your previous article about positive decisions. I think we have so many distractions today that few of us take the time to reflect on our lives and truly understand ourselves.
It’s amazing how two people can perceive the same exact situation so extremely differently. Likewise, it’s interesting (and a bit unsettling) to think about the likeliness that even the people closest to us probably don’t know us as well as we think.
Vin – NaturalBias´s last blog ..Healthy Living is So Easy, a Caveman Can Do It!
Great post Stephen!
When I was young, everyone was telling me who I am and what I should do. When I began to take up personal development, I increased my self-awareness but was still very much listening to everything my mentor said. It was only very recently where I realized that I am who I am, and while my mentors and close friends meant well for me, I’m the one who know myself best (apart from my God).
Therefore, I’m know filter all the advice I receive, because I am responsible for making my own decisions and setting my own direction.
Thanks for writing this inspiring post to remind me to stay true to myself.
Charles – Big Idea Blogger´s last blog ..The Fastest Way to Achieve Results for Your Blog
Need your help! I was fortunate that has a child God gave me a lot of this stuff that people write books on. I am constantly astonished, a year ago I learned about ” the law attraction” I couldn’t believe that do many people are raving about and studying it, but gla of course. I have been doing it all my life. Then I read a book” think and go rich” I thought to myself, people write books about this?? Doesn’t everyone already know this?? I could go on forever with this experience.
Now I read your comments about ” being your own best friend” and being alone, again I have learned this on my own a long time ago but am glad to know others feel the same. I do have a question: when one learns to enjoy in being alone, it just propels the lonliness because when you see that this person you are talking to is not your style, I just don’t bother with them anymore, I do this all the time, as a result I have no longtime friends. On a daily basis I make lots of aquaintances but I never get close to anyone even when they want to, because I have always been happy with myself and want to stay that way. I am a people’s guy, I’m very successful in Sales, I coach about 250 kids and their families every week, plus my job. I talk to everyone every where, but I’m alone. When you need someone to support you in a struggle you dint have a friend to ” back you up”
The problem becomes at my funeral I’ll be by myself too, which is ok with me, I don’t
need a crowd in fact I don’t need anything at all, lol.
The other question is how can I possibly be myself? I want to be free, travel when and where I want, meet people everywhere but I have to
hey stephen!!
really really deep stuff.
muttered “that’s so true” three times just through the first paragraph.
haven’t really thought about this much. interesting to ponder.
it’s cos you’re wise stephen, not old. self-selective reasoning
just tell them, “do whatever you want.” sure, sometimes advice is a great thing but they’re probably just looking for self-validation and approval. haha. to put it this way, they’re asking you to tell them to do what they already know they should do
man… couple of those “are you”s really got me. when i first squizzed them i was like, “yeah… good ol self-help type pitch” but then i read them and a few of them resonated. hard. specially the last one.
inspired me to write a post on it. it’s the latest one. hate it or love it etc… would love your thoughts on it – right up your ally.
your advice on paying attention to your own feelings is really great. they say that what gets to you says a whole lot about you. def agree.
alone time is also a great suggestion. time to be. it’s so easy to avoid living by being busy
has a good ring to it. think i’ll use that 
hennyways, really inspiring post. thank you.
tweeted and stumbled!
keep well stephen
alex – unleash reality
Great topic Stephen, this is a subject that needs to be written about in a very deep fashion. You should do an e-book on this very subject, because this is something that so many people need to come to copes with. We all have our unique voice, and are individuals, and we should never give that away, or let anyone take it away.
I see that you’ve gotten many positive comments for this article, and it is because this is a subject that many people are at odds with. Very few people are living the life that their inner voice is crying out for. Too often, we simply tell that voice to shut up, but yet wonder why our happiness level continues to dwindle.
Trey – Swollen Thumb Entertainment´s last blog ..Twittley, A Blogger’s Best Friend
Most of my life has been doing the “right” thing and the responsible thing and feeling okay about that – and getting room and board too! With the death of my parents, I have recently been able to remove a toxic family member from my life and am able to say “NO” to a great many things that I simply do not wish to do any more. I am leaving the early apples where they fall and going on a walking tour for 3 weeks – we will all survive.
All though the tour guides say I should be taking $2,000 US for food and entrance fees etc. I only have $900.00 and I spent $80 of that on medication for my kid…I did the right thing…I think I will have a lovely trip without all the money and food spending…and it is a very good lesson that my partner was not willing to share any of his “fun” money on my adventure…but had $3,000 to spend on his bike tour extra! Sometimes one learns a great deal in making these decisions- I am glad he did what he wished to do, but surprised he was not willing to wish me well for my adventure.
Change is an interesting element in developing authentic self…
Thank you for a good post to read today! I appreciate your good efforts.
Patricia´s last blog ..Understanding Agenda For a New Economy ~ David Korten
Hi Stephen,
It is not so easy to find our true self, but your questions are helpful.
Thanks.
Arswino´s last blog ..7 Tiny Places to Find Everyday Inspiration
@Everyone. Thanks for all the great comments! I really appreciate it! Sorry I have been so tardy with the replies.
@Dragos, I agree but when you do find companions who like the true you the relationships are going to be better because they are more compatible.
@Diggy, great to see you again. Thanks for stopping by and joining the conversation!
@Rosa, great point about never being able to satisfy others anyway. So true. Thanks for commenting.
@Juancav, thanks for stopping in to comment!
@Deb, thanks Deb. It is one of my great wishes too.
@Jonathan, hi! Some people love to tell others how to live, but you really can’t be the other person.
@Ryan, hello! Great to have you in the conversation. I like you box analogy because that’s the way I look at it too. We are trapped in others boxes.
@Robin, hello again! Thank you so much for your support and for being the one and only you.
@Jodi, thanks for visiting us here and welcome!
I wish every 18 year-old would hear the message too!
@Patricia, welcome and thanks for your stimulating comments!
@Chris, thanks for your comments and you are one brave man!
@Zeenat, WOW! Thanks for those very kind comments. Welcome and hope to see you in future conversations.
@Vin, hello! I think you are right about having so many activities that we don’t take time to get to know ourselves. Thanks!
@Charles, good for you! Thanks for the wonderful comments.
@Al, I think when you advertise your true self you may lose some of your old friends because they were friends with the fake you. However, you will eventually find people who like the real you and those relationships will be deeper and more meaningful because they are genuine. Just make sure the real you is on display at all times. Don’t get timid and revert to a fake you. Thanks for stopping in to comment!
@alex, thanks for a fantastic comment! It’s a mini blog post right there. I’m definitely heading over to your blog to check out. BTW, thanks for the “wise not old” pump there!
@Trey, thanks for the thought. It’s a fantastic idea about the e-book. “Too often, we simply tell that voice to shut up, but yet wonder why our happiness level continues to dwindle.” Yes!
@Patricia, HI! Sounds like a great adventure. I’m jealous! Sorry about your parents. I am happy to hear you are making changes though. Life is change and change is growth.
@Arswino, thanks for stopping by. It’s not easy because the norm is to be socialized into something different. It may not be easy but the rewards are definitely worth it!
All very true.
I also find that as I find my true self and don’t restrict myself to suit others I have deeper friendships and get on better with others!
I read a similar idea from Zen Mind Beginner Mind, “Express your true self.” It goes right in line with what you are saying in this post. When we know our core selves, we can maximize our happiness.
Karl Staib – Work Happy Now´s last blog ..Have Fun and Be Weird
Great post! You are writing about my past life. However, I have woken up. I am now exploring my fantasies and dreams. It feels great. Life is short. Take actions on your dreams now and don’t have any regrets!
Thanks for the post!
Kate´s last blog ..kate919: Hello! Thanks! RT@marscafe RT @mshwery some photos from today’s filming of #TheExperiment @marscafe : http://www.flickr.com/mwshwery/
i think the best way to find your true self is to stop looking…
keep well mate
alex – unleash reality
alex – unleash reality´s last blog ..Emotional Sleight of Hand: 5 Practical Tricks to Feel Good Right Now
I agree with all that was said. Does that mean that you are doing my thinking or that the way you think is somehow reflecting my own philosophy and that there is
a unified reality that is not necessarily shared by all of us due to a certain attitude that acts like a filter to make us seem to share a certain sameness of experience?
Those of us who are “different” seem to belong to a group whos unity is of a reality
not shared by the majority. In this idea, those who are “unique” , really belong to a
oneness of being in the spiritual sense and all others “uniqueness” is a state of being that exists outside of that unity. This makes them lost in a sense and deprived of membership in that unity and of its benefits. ——-Doug Rosbury
This is a great post. No, actually a really good one. Good reminder.
My question is this though, when do we actually listen to other becuase we may be doing something at different times unawarely. For example I may not want to relax right now, but I may want to relax some other time. I may not realize that I want to relax right now becuase I don’t think that is correct. All of a sudden I want to relax not becuase wanted to but I didn’t know about it, now I’m convinced relaxing is good. It is often the case that we are not doing what we really want to do, but are doing something because we think we should want to do it. Are there exceptions to when we are not doing something out of ignorance, and how would we know our true integrity?Or must we know all circumstances before making a conscious decision? Hope it makes sense, if it doesn’t please point it out.
Alex
Great article! Some activities such as doing Yoga, listening to music, doing Emotional Freedom Technique, writing thoughts and feelings on paper, letting go and allowing in, writing journal, working out etc have helped me explore my true self