“When you get in the mud with a pig, you get dirty and the pig gets happy.”
–James Altucher

This is one of those problems in life that has a simple solution that is hard to implement.  It becomes more difficult the closer one is to one of these crappy people.  Even though I know what I should do, I still find it hard sometimes.

These kinds of people are not worth your time or stress.  Every second of your life that you spend with someone who is a negative is not only a second you lose from something you value more, it takes something out of you.  It’s not not neutral it is a draining negative.  The effect of dealing with them will linger with you and continue to take away from your precious life.  It’s like a left hook to the head followed by a right.  And for particularly crappy people you might as well take an uppercut to the chin as well.  You may suffer the effects for days to come.

It’s your life and you don’t get it back. You don’t get a do-over. You waste it on stupid, needy, irritating, toxic, and generally crappy people and YOU LOSE.

Making It About You

When you think about, stress about, talk about, or in any way do something about crappy people, you thereby make their problem all about you.  This is where you make the big mistake.

In my own life I have done a great deal to eliminate this problem but I still have a long way to go. In listening to the chatter of others, I think most people suffer from it a lot. They sure spend a lot of time talking about the crappy humans that they deal with; reliving the events all over again.

The Simple But Not So Easy Solution

What follows should be obvious. While writing it I kept saying “Duh!” to myself.   However we seem to need to be reminded about what to do because we obviously aren’t doing it enough.

Three simple words: Avoid, Ignore, and Forget.

Avoid

Avoiding crappy people is the first strategy.  If you know a crappy person avoid them.  This is obviously easier to do if the crapper is a friend of a friend than if she is your mother in-law, but still in almost all cases you can avoid these people more than you might think.  It takes guts to walk away or avoid people who are close to you but you need to set boundaries.

People who interact with you need to understand that it takes two to tango, and that you have the right to avoid them if they do not respect your terms for engaging in the dance.  Often times your family, friends, or colleagues will look down upon for being anti-social or refusing to engage.  However it is your right to live your life as you choose and that includes avoiding crappy people no matter who they may be.

If your mother-in-law (or your mother) is at your home for the holidays, you have a right to inform her that she cannot act that way in your home.  She can either behave or leave.  If you are at her home you can leave.  If you decide you can’t leave you can go into another room and read a book, go outside, or otherwise disengage.

Ignore

Let’s say you can’t actually avoid the person or you chose not to avoid them.  You can then utilize the second strategy and simply ignore them.  Don’t talk to them.  Whatever you do do not argue with them.  Don’t complain about them.  Keep quiet.  To do otherwise is simply to elicit more crap.  If it is your boss or a colleague say as little as possible and meet as little as possible.  You can still be professional, you just choose to keep quiet if at all possible.

The human tendency, trust me I know, is to be outraged, to fight, complain, and stew about it.  If you can’t avoid then ignore, ignore, ignore, and ignore some more.  DO NOT ENGAGE THEM IN ANY WAY.

It’s amazing how much better you feel and how much less interesting you are to the crappy people in the world when you simply ignore them.

Forget

If you have failed to avoid and ignore you are left with the final strategy of simply forgetting about it.  Whatever has happened in the past is done and gone so forget about it.  Why relive the problem again and again?  Every time you think about it, say something about it, complain about it, stress about it, or do anything but forget about it you are reliving the pain all over again.

And So…

You can’t change people no matter what you think.  You will waste your life trying and frustrate yourself to no end.  Just stop.  Avoid.  Ignore.  Forget.  Remember the quote from James Altucher at the top of this article and don’t play with a pig.

This may seem obvious, but evidently most of us can’t seem to do the obvious.

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Note from Stephen: This is a guest article from Bill Post. His information is at the end of the article.

I think I’m a pretty sensitive guy. But if you showed up to a first ever business meeting in a T-shirt and shorts, would my feelings be hurt? Would I feel that you were not respecting me or my position? Absolutely not — not even if it were a job interview. But then, I’m not the kind of guy who sits around thinking, “I wonder if the person I’m about to meet has figured out how he (or she) is going to impress me!”

Ironically, if you are trying to make a good first impression on me, letting me get the idea that you are actively trying to impress me is almost the worst thing you could do (well, short of being genuinely disrespectful or abusive, anyway!). Because then I become suspicious.

Why am I telling you this? Am I saying that first impressions don’t matter? Absolutely not — I’m explaining why they DO matter, even to someone like me. Maybe especially to someone like me.

I can’t imagine myself wanting to hire or work with someone who is in the business of selling himself or herself — or even someone whose very first priority is selling a product, any product, even if that product is my own work or the services that I offer. Who DO I want to work with? People who are genuine, authentic, who can be truly present — people who can connect with me without trying to impress me. You’re not going to meet that standard simply by dressing up and making sure to use my first name several times in the course of our conversation (which are two of the most commonly given pieces of advice to people who are trying to make a good first impression).

Moreover, it’s not just me. I have found that even people who say they want to be impressed — people who WOULD be offended if you showed up to a business meeting in shorts — still want to meet someone who can authentically connect with them. With those people, dressing the right way just gets you in the door — a real, honest connection is still the ultimate test.

So how can you pass that test? As a consultant, I have to pass that test all the time. Here are the tips and strategies that I’ve gathered over the years:

1. At the risk of sounding trite, always be yourself — even if you are not a people person. If you are an introvert trying to act like an extrovert to make a good impression, all that will happen is that you’ll set off your new acquaintance’s internal lie detector — and everyone has one. People will wonder what else you are lying about. If you’re shy, a better strategy is to come right out and admit it. If you do, people will tend to fall over themselves trying to make you comfortable.
2. Likewise, wear what makes YOU feel the most comfortable. Obviously, don’t show up for a job interview in pajamas — or, in most cases, even in the T-shirt and shorts I mentioned in my example. But within the bounds of what is appropriate for the setting, wear something that you feel like yourself in. If you have to wear a suit and you hate suits, find some small way to modify what you’re wearing to make it more you. Otherwise you won’t feel free to be yourself — and again, you’ll set off those internal lie detectors.
3. Prepare for meetings in advance so you can focus. I don’t mean prepare by making sure that you know your facts — I am assuming you already do that. What I mean is, take time to center yourself before meeting someone. Take a few deep breaths. If possible, meditate. Do whatever you need to do ahead of time to get yourself into the best mindset for your meeting. Find a way to bring yourself into the present moment so that you can truly pay attention to the person you are about to meet. For the duration of the meeting, be present in the meeting, not thinking about the million other things on your to do list.
4. Point out your own flaws — don’t try to hide them. If you have obstacles to overcome, if you face your own unique set of challenges in a work environment, point them out. Explain what you’re up against and what your strategies are for overcoming these challenges. This way you’ve set the stage for honest communication, you’ve showed that you are being truthful and authentic, and you’ve let the person you are meeting know that you’re human — just as he or she is. That makes for a powerful connection. You don’t really want the people you meet to think that you are flawless and superhuman — no one can really connect with that, because none of us meet that standard.
5. Be aware that you get more than one chance to make a first impression. The fact is that while you may make a good impression on someone you meet in a social situation (which is essentially what a job interview is, for example), that’s a very different matter from having your work make a good impression. The first work that you do on a new job will make its own first impression. Your place of business makes its own first impression on everyone who walks through the door. Your business card makes a small first impression on everyone into whose hands it falls. Your web site makes a first impression. You get the idea. Make the most of each chance you get to make a new first impression.
6. Contrary to popular opinion, you CAN reverse a bad first impression. See point 5, above. Consider when your next opportunity to make a better impression will arise — and make the most of it. My experience tells me that if you give people a chance to reevaluate you, they will. Likewise, if you make a good first impression and later screw up, the good first impression may soften the impact, but it won’t delete it. Keep trying to make a good impression in all your interactions. Each of us is transformed by our continuing life experiences — again, not to sound trite, but you are a new person every day, and so are the people you meet and those you already know. Keep making new first impressions on the people around you — make your continuing impressions good ones.

Bill Post, Small Business Research Analyst, has been providing research on issues of concern to small businesses for 123Print.com Business Cards for three years. Prior to his involvement with 123Print, Bill was a small business owner himself, providing marketing and branding services to other small businesses in the Washington, DC metro area. Before working with 123Print on Business Card Templates, Bill spent several years after receiving his degree in the fast-paced corporate world. It was there that Bill not only honed the skills he uses to help small businesses get ahead, but it is also where he realized that he’d rather help the little guy prosper than make huge corporations money.

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Note from Stephen: This is a guest article by Tess Marshall at www.TheBoldLife.com.  Please check out her excellent blog.

We know people who can light up a room with their presence. They are good at building and maintaining relationships. They establish rapport quickly and effortlessly. It seems like everybody is their best friend. Bestselling author, Malcolm Gladwell, call these people connectors.

With observation, guidance and a lot of practice, we can all build and amplify strong personal characteristics and become better “connectors.” The following methods will help you be the “one” others love to be around.

“If we were supposed to talk more than we listen, we would have two mouths and one ear.” Mark Twain

1. Make Others Feel They Matter. Listen more, talk less. Make eye contact and clear your mind of any of your own thoughts. A good question to ask another is, “Do you want advice or do you only want me to listen?” Listening creates feelings of appreciation and importance.

   “A friend is someone who understands your past, believes in your future, and accepts you just the way you are.” – Unknown

2. Practice Acceptance. Spend time looking for commonalities. When you focus on what is good, what is “good” stands out. Allow others to be themselves. Become aware of trying to change, fix or judge someone.

   “Empathy is the fundamental “people skill.” – Daniel Goldman

3. Practice Empathy. If you want to learn to be empathic, the easiest way is to “walk a mile in another’s shoes.” Empathy is understanding, being sensitive to, and vicariously experiencing the feelings, thoughts, and experience of another.

   “Your presence today spoke volumes. Thank you all for the support.” – Benjamin Crump

4. Make Others Feel Important. Stay in the present moment, don’t multi-task, check your phone or glance around the room. Make the speaker feel like the most important person in the world. Open and connect heart to heart.

   “It isn’t necessary to blow out the other person’s light to let your own shine” – Unknown

5. Let Others Shine. Don’t one up the speaker with one of your own personal stories. Instead, imagine the other person with a sign that says, “Make me feel special.” Practice being the last one to speak when you are with others. Your relationships will blossom.

   “Once someone touches your heart, the fingerprints will last forever.” – Unknown

6. Use Touch. When the moment presents itself touch the other person on the arm or pat them on the back or shoulder. Touching someone shows you care. It creates a warm feeling. As a relationship grows, those small touches turn into big hugs. Touching heals our emotional wounds and creates feelings of acceptance.

   “Affirm the positive, visualize the positive and expect the positive, and your life will change accordingly.” – Unknown

7. Be Positive. Build the other person up by saying, “I understand you. I get that.” Make an effort to point out the positive in any situation. Learn to express humor and make others smile. A great place to practice is with any service clerk.

   “Knowing others is wisdom, knowing yourself is enlightenment.” – Lao Tzu

8. Be Genuine. Nothing is more attractive than being real. Authenticity creates an unbreakable emotional bond. Being real allows for trusting and enduring relationships. Being real in a world that encourages us to be like everyone else, will allow others to feel safe enough to be real themselves.

Tess Marshall is the mover and shaker, at www.TheBoldLife.com , where she’ll hold you accountable for being the boldest you’ve ever been in every area of your life! What would you do if you were 10 times bolder? You can sign up for her RSS feed and receive her updates or follow her on Twitter

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