Consider this: one month from now you can have easily taken 300 steps towards your highest values.  In three months 900 and in a year 3,650.  It’s very simple and surprisingly powerful.  I’m not a big proponent of commitments that will tie you down and that’s what is so beautiful about the daily 10.  You are only making one commitment and that’s to the daily 10 itself, and those 10 things can be whatever you want them to be on any particular day.

We all need help and reminders to live our life in a way that progresses us towards what we value the most.  Otherwise our survival brains will cause us to live in a way our conscious brains don’t necessarily want us to live.  We will fail to do those things we know we should and we will do things we know we shouldn’t.  What follows is a simple tool to help you achieve your highest values on a daily basis.  It’s so simple and flexible it can be whatever you make it.  However, the cumulative power of tiny actions day after day can be immense.  It has been very effective for me.

Here’s how it works:

Step 1:  Create your list of highest values.  I like to list 10 but it can be whatever number you want.  Here is a nice checklist to give you some ideas on values you can choose: Values Checklist.  Review and revise the list as often as necessary.

Step 2:  Every day create your list of 10 “do’s” and “don’ts” for that day.  These do’s and don’ts are anything you can do or avoid doing that day that are consistent with and progress you towards those values you listed in step 1. Each and every item on your list of 10 must be related to something in your value list.  You are not creating a list of things you have to do that aren’t related to your values.  The most important thing to keep in mind when creating this list every day is that these actions can be very tiny and simple actions.  If you think you are going to create a list of 10 major accomplishments every day you are simply going to create a failure list.

Step 3:  At the end of every day note whether you did what you said you would do.  This is a powerful incentive.  If you failed on any one thing during the day then you simply note you did not do what you said you would do.

Repeat steps 2 and 3 every day.

The daily 10 can be work, personal, or preferably both.  Sometimes you will want to list important, urgent, and significant tasks, but more often they should just be small things that over time will massively improve your life.  The number 10 is not magic, it can be anything you want.  I like to evenly mix do’s and don’ts together but that too is flexible.

As an example of a don’t I use that helps me achieve one of my values of  “Health”, I have been putting “No extra snacking” on my daily 10.  This is a bad habit I’ve developed and I want to kill it.  So every day I put it on my list of daily 10.  Every time I’m tempted to have an unscheduled snack, I remember how much I don’t want to write that I did not do what I said I would do that day.  You can’t just fill up your list with habits.  It would be cheating to put something like this on my daily list if I was going to do it anyway – if it was already a habit.  Only put these habit type items on your list when you are working towards creating a good habit or killing a bad habit.  Once you have succeeded then it isn’t needed on your list anymore.

If you value your relationship with your daughter you might add an item once in a while like “Ask (daughter’s name) how her day went after dinner tonight.  If you want to get something started or finished you have been procrastinating put it on your list.  You can put “Stop by and chat with Sally for 5 minutes this morning” or anything else however large or small that will make you the person you want to be.

There aren’t any real rules.  It is totally flexible, but you must stick with it every day.  If you start letting things slip and failing to do what you say you are going to do, then it will just deteriorate into another useless waste of time.  If you find you are frequently writing that you didn’t do what you said you were going to do, then make the list smaller and easier.  Start with 5 tiny don’ts.  Don’ts are easier than do’s.  If you get into the habit of achieving your daily 10 (or 5 or 7) you can ratchet up the significance of the items on the list.

Give it a shot for a month.  You might be surprised at how effective it can be.

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Over the past few decades there has been a vast wave of pseudo self-esteem washing over our culture.  Pseudo self-esteem has displaced true self-esteem and created a nation of the entitled and narcissistic, especially in the less than 45 age group.

True self-esteem is based upon an a self-appraisal of one’s own competence and worthiness.  Pseudo self-esteem is based up feeling positive about oneself just because one exists or shows up.  Please don’t misunderstand me.  I believe that every individual deserves the benefit of the doubt.  Every human has some basic worthiness as a matter of simply being a human.  That is an intrinsic worth that is part of everyone.  What this article is about is what goes beyond that.  It is the result of personal action and intention.  That true self-esteem can be high or low as a result.  It is not a free-pass given by society.

Pseudo self-esteem arises when we heap underserved praise on others or on ourselves.  I’m sorry but you don’t deserve a gold star just because you showed up.  You don’t deserve credit just because you exist.  Simply repeating affirmations that you are good doesn’t mean you behave in a way that could be called good.  There has to be some basic values to which you strive to feel true self-worth. You must strive for accomplishment to feel true self-competence. 

True self esteem comes as a result of actions and intentions.  It is not something bestowed upon you by well meaning others.  The culture of the self-esteem movement tells us that self-esteem leads to accomplishment.  They have it exactly backwards.   It is accomplishment that leads to true self esteem. You develop the sense of self-worth and competence because you strive for and sometimes achieve results.

Telling your child he is smart is not going to make him successful.  In fact studies show it will make him avoid challenges that might shatter that illusion.  Telling your child you are proud of his effort will encourage him to continue to strive.  I feel I am good because I strive to be good and not because my mommy or my teacher told me I was good.  You can tell a group of children “everyone wins”, but that simply strips all meaning from the word.  At some level everyone knows whether they deserve the praise others have heaped upon them or that they heap upon themselves.  When it is undeserved it doesn’t lead to true-self esteem.  It leads to narcissism and entitlement.

I believe we should praise effort in others and ourselves.  I can feel some sense of accomplishment if I tried hard and failed, but I will feel a greater sense if I tried and succeeded.  I can feel some sense of worthiness if I try to be good (whatever your definition of “good”) and failed, but I will feel a greater sense of worthiness if I succeed in acting in accordance with some basic values.

If you want to feel good about yourself then try acting in a way that will lead to that feeling automatically.  Staring at a mirror like Stuart Smalley and repeating affirmations to yourself is not going to do it.  If you want to develop self-esteem in your children teach them to behave in a way which will lead to its natural development.  Those American children who have been told daily how smart and good they are suck at math compared to the rest of the developed world.  And yet they have lots of false self-esteem; they rate number #1 in confidence about their math abilities.

I think the following sums it up very well:

“Most feel that a sense of competence is strengthened through realistic and accurate self-appraisal, meaningful accomplishments, overcoming adversities, bouncing back from failures, and adopting such practices such as assuming self-responsibility and maintaining integrity which engender ones sense of competence and self-worth.”

– Robert Reasoner

Amen.

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Note from Stephen:  This is a guest article from Dr. Sean Sullivan.  Dr. Sullivan has a book and online course available called “The Mind Masters Silent Journey” which I am currently evaluating.  I will be writing a review of them when I’m finished.  The last part of this article is an excerpt from his material.

As a psychologist who spends his days focused on researching and teaching (and living) the characteristics of “peak performance,” studying the influence of the “unconscious” on our lives is a primary area of my work.

To properly honor www.ratracetrap.com with this year-end guest post I’m giving a nod to a most popular post from the beginning of this year. Not surprisingly, Stephen’s article Unconscious Influences on Our Behavior, and the 3 influences below in particular, attracted me…

#1

People exposed to stories about moral indiscretion are twice as likely to choose cleaning products as gifts as those exposed to stories of moral virtue. It seems they feel the need to “clean up” (Unconscious Influences on Our Behavior).

Ring a bell about any holiday gifts you gave this year? I bet there are some funny stories out there. Leave me and Stephen a Comment if you have a good one!

The somewhat ironic-sounding trend of the unconscious part of our minds getting a lot of conscious attention in our best scientist’s labs lately seems only to be gaining momentum. Each passing year, cutting-edge science demonstrates with increasing clarity that our unconscious processes account for even more of our behavior than previously thought.

Beyond controlling all of the vital functions necessary to allow us to remain alive, for example, scientists are bringing to light new details of our unconscious world. These details suggest that the unconscious aspect of our lives is actually ushering real materiality into our lives…

#2

“People ate 69% more jelly beans when all the colors were mixed together than when they were separated by colors.  Along the same lines, presenting 10 colors of M&Ms instead of 7, increased consumption 43%” (Unconscious Influences on Our Behavior).

Now, that’s a fairly literal example of the unconscious creating actual “materiality” in our lives (i.e. our bodies).

Thankfully, we can apply all this emerging knowledge to our advantage as well. By better understanding the unconscious mind we are also learning how we can make conscious decisions to prime our unconscious mind to behave in ways that benefit us. Take a look at the following example of how you can make use of the power of your unconscious mind by consciously priming it to grow your “material” life in ways that you desire…

#3

Reading stories about money making will actually improve your performance on tasks where you can earn money” (Unconscious Influences on Our Behavior).

Simply acknowledging that we are being influenced by the stimuli we encounter each moment helps us recognize the importance of making conscious choices about how and where we focus our attention.

During my latest explorations while writing and creating The Mind Master Journey, I discovered my newest favorite examples of how our unconscious mind ushers materiality into our lives. It turns out that how much we influence the people we are in direct contact with is difficult to overstate.

It is now clear that our choices about exactly who we choose to spend our time with, and exactly how we spend that time, has a undeniable influence on our material lives.

The piece that follows comes directly from The Mind Masters Journey. It describes exactly how our relationships often have a significant impact on how long we live. The piece is a great reminder of how intertwined our lives are with others.

I hope the segment inspires you to honor the importance of your relationship to yourself and to your loved ones this holiday. It certainly does for me. From my family to yours, here’s to hearing, reading and most importantly, writing your own story of health, happiness and wealth in the New Year!

Where Your Inner and Outer Worlds Collide

Today, the view that your inner world is separate from your outer world, or that your inner world functions independently from the inner worlds of the people you are surrounded by, is as scientifically bunk as the notion that the earth is flat. Over the last several decades, our growing scientific understanding of the scope of influence that the invisible dialogue occurring within you has on your outer world has been complemented by an explosion in our scientific understanding of the impact of the invisible communications that occur between individuals and groups.

As it turns out, your story and your body, and other people’s stories and bodies, are so intertwined and interdependent that scientists have now identified and documented a broad range of physiologically based, empirically documented health benefits associated with the non-material transactions that occur in a type of relationship that researchers call an “empathic relationship.” An empathic relationship is a relationship in which at least one person in the relationship experiences and mirrors the emotional state of the other.

We now know that being involved in an empathic relationship provides a range of benefits to your body that extends way beyond simply “feeling good.” The value of an empathic relationship extends well beyond having a vital influence on your emotional development. Researchers have now demonstrated over and over that empathic relationships play a significant role in physical health improvements ranging from better immune function to shorter post-surgery hospital stays to a stronger response to placebos to fewer asthma attacks and even to experiencing a shorter average duration of the colds we catch.

The physical health impact of the non-material transactions that occur in any one of your relationships does not tell the whole story, though. It turns out that the web of relationships you maintain may be the most significant predictor of your future health. The social web that your inner world inhabits, and your outer world manifests, has a direct effect on the duration of the life of the cells that comprise your vital organs. Hopefully, it goes without saying that you require the health of your vital organs to live a long, healthy life!

Even if you experience a good deal of daily stress, having a network of people you can turn to for your emotional needs mitigates the risk of your stressful lifestyle. Conversely, if you don’t have a web of dependable people in your life (and in your head), the emotional stress can profoundly raise the likelihood of your death as compared with people who lead a calm life. Your social web is a vital aspect of your non-material story that determines the health of your materiality—the cells that comprise your body.

Dr. Sean Sullivan is a performance psychologist who teaches how to clearly see the details of your “inner world” by creating your own Mind Map. Dr. Sullivan has written and spoken for ESPN properties. His work has received endorsements from top performers including USA TODAY’s David Weiss and NFL Quarterback, Mark Sanchez.

The Mind Master’s Guided Journey is a 21-day online course that details step-by-step how to create a precise personal map of your “inner world” to follow to becoming an expert creating at whatever “outer life” you choose. “Once you can actually hear and see your “inner world” with clarity, you can’t help but to create and follow your own map that will lead you to the “outer life” you choose to live.” – Dr. Sean Sullivan

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I’ve always thought more money buys more freedom but I’ve also accepted the money / happiness correlations, or more properly the lack thereof that have been the subject of quite a bit of recent research.  I recently reviewed a copy of a forthcoming book that makes one think real hard about whether or not one really wants to be wealthy.  It’s did not paint a pretty picture of the lives of the rich.

Much has been made of the fact that poor Latin American countries often rate as high or higher on happiness scales as rich countries like Japan or the U.S.  GDP and happiness are not generally well correlated above a certain level.  I have encountered claims that after a certain level of income was reached, generally pretty low and little more than enough to ensure you could afford the basic comforts of life, higher income doesn’t correlate well with more happiness.  I know the research is  unsettled and recently I’ve come across something that suggests things aren’t as simple as is frequently reported.

Two researchers, Daniel Kahneman and Angus Deaton, analyzed a large amount of data from the 2008 / 2009 U.S. Gallup-Healthways Well-Being Index and have produced some interesting observations.  This is U.S. data only but I suspect it applies globally as well.  The GHWBI survey measures two different psychological factors:

1. Daily emotional well-being (enjoyment, happiness, sadness, anger, worry, stress, etc.)
2. Overall Life Satisfaction

Interestingly income in the U.S. affects daily emotional well-being (enjoyment, happiness, sadness, anger, worry, stress) up to about $75,000 of household income.  That’s not exactly a subsistence level of income and is significant in that 2/3 of U.S. households are below that level.   This indicates an increase in stable income would positively impact 2/3 of U.S. households in their day-to-day happiness levels.

The other indicator of overall life satisfaction is even more heavily correlated with income levels.  Life satisfaction continues to show strong increases in the U.S. up to household incomes of at least $160,000.   To understand the difference between the two think about how you might report you’ve been stressed or worried daily for the past few days, but you are very satisfied with your life right now.  People who raise children have higher life satisfaction levels but they have lower daily emotional well-being levels than those who have no children.  Raising children makes you less happier on a daily basis, but makes you more satisfied with your life.  I don’t think that surprises too many parents.

I’m not sure what all this means but it should give us pause before unthinkingly repeating that money doesn’t buy happiness because clearly it does.  At least in some ways that are more nuanced than the simplistic claims some, including myself, have made.  I suspect a poor Costa Rican may be as happy as a middle-class Japanese but a middle-class Costa Rican is probably happier than a poor one.  Much of how we feel unfortunately is related to how we view ourselves relative to those around us.  It’s hard not to notice what cars your neighbors drive and what kind of homes they live in.

You have to be careful about assuming that a correlation means a cause and effect relationship.  Maybe happiness causes incomes to rise or something else causes both.

Also At the risk of being politically incorrect I will make an observation about Hispanics in my city of residence – Houston, TX, that may say something about Latin Americans and happiness.  There is a very large Hispanic population here and there is a very large park that is densely wooded and has large undeveloped areas (no roads or facilities) near my home.  I love to visit this park to get my nature fix in the more remote areas.  It’s best to visit during the week as there are very few people there.  However, when I go on weekends or holidays and as I drive through the picnic areas the park is usually packed with Hispanic groups that appear to be made up of extended families and/or friends.  I’m always struck by how happy they look and how much fun they are having while I drive by in my nice car – alone.  In the end I think they may be holding the most important key to real happiness.

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So many of us in particular and our culture in general have lost sight of the ends to which we should be striving.  Things like freedom, intellectual growth, happiness,  social relationships, and general well-being.  We have allowed the means to these values to become the ends towards which we endlessly strive.  We constantly are piling up the means, but forgetting the ends to which those should lead.

This is where we are at with the means becoming more important than the ends:

This is where we should be with the ends more important than than the means:

The most obvious of these is money.  It has ceased to be a means to more valuable ends like freedom and has instead has become an end in itself and indeed an obstacle to freedom.  Instead of buying freedom is it buys most people slavery.  Those who accumulate enough chips to buy their freedom usually don’t.  Instead they just continue striving for more.  It has become the end that is pursued for it’s own sake; as a measuring stick for success and status (regardless of what some may claim).

But it’s not just money, it’s happening with just about everything.  Electronic gadgets which should be used as tools for convenience and to connect have become an absurd end in themselves.  The gadget buying for no other reason than to have the latest and greatest has gone over an obscene cliff and shows no signs of slowing down.  I’m not a luddite, but I want to use gadgets as a means to something better. They are like a car with 1,000 unneeded options.  Once you get past heat and air and comfortable seats the rest is pretty much fluffy status.

Our homes are no longer for shelter or an anchoring place for family and friends.  They have become monstrously oversized status symbols or even alleged investments.  They are expensive to buy and operate and many people not only don’t own their home (because the bank owns 100% of the property), but they also owe them some part of the rest of their future wealth.  Congratulations you are now a slave to financial institutions.  Expect them someday to go bankrupt and then get the government to steal more of your money to bail them out.

Our children’s activities are supposed to give them a rich life experience.  Instead they have become a competitive status activity that makes the kids miserable and allows the parents to live vicariously.

Facebook and similar sites were supposed to be a way to connect with family and friends and instead have become a place to display your fake self and compete to see who can have the most fake “friends”.   Facebook is no longer a means to something better, it has become an end in itself.  Do you “Facebook”?

What Are Your Values?

It can’t be money because money is only a medium of exchange and in itself is completely worthless (and government policy makes it less valuable in exchanges).

Stop and think about what you truly value.  I listed some of mine at the beginning of this article – freedom, intellectual growth, happiness, social relationships, and general well-being.

I seriously doubt that anyone actually values an iPad 11 (I know it doesn’t exist).  You want an iPad 11 because it can do three things the iPad 10 can’t.  So what?  Exactly what do those three things contribute to your ultimate values?  I suggest exactly nothing.  Is downloading a movie on your 4G phone in 5 seconds going to make you happy?  If it does you are in serious need of help

The beautiful thing about life is that means to those ultimate values can be achieved by some of the simpler things you can do in life.  In the pursuit of success, happiness, and freedom we have lost sight of those ultimate ends and become stuck in an endless game of piling up means.

If we can focus on our ultimate values and adjust our relationship to the means, we will be a lot more likely to thrive in the only thing that really counts; our experience of life.

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I now believe that much of the current propaganda about positive thinking is at minimum misguided and likely counter-productive for many people.  It amounts to self-help snake oil.  This represents a change in my own beliefs brought about by my own experience, my observations of others, and a lot of reading and thinking about it.

Action Is More Important Than Attitude

What matters is not your attitude but your actions.  When I looked in the mirror 18 months ago I didn’t see a body I thought was perfect. I saw an aging body that was overweight without being obese, but flabby and out of shape. I was angry at myself for letting myself go like that and risking my future well-being. Should I have looked at myself in the mirror and said “You’re beautiful” (when I knew I was not) and “You’re perfect just the way you are”? I don’t think so. My negative and honest thinking spurred me on to do something about it. I’m still out of shape but I’m 45 pounds lighter and I’ve kept it that way for over 6 months. I didn’t say daily affirmations. I didn’t “manifest” a perfect body.  I didn’t imagine a body I would never have. I simply changed my diet and stuck with it, even though at times it hurt a lot.  I substituted positive and determined action for positive thinking.  I thought negatively and lost the weight, but far more importantly made a permanent change in my diet that improved my health.

We Are All Different

We humans are very different from one another in our personalities and in general about 1/2 of that difference is genetic.  This is also true for the trait of optimism and researchers have linked some of that to a gene for oxytocin.  It seems absurd that some general advice that is so hardwired into people can simply be changed by “Thinking Positive” and that the results would be “positively” the same for all our dramatically different natures.  How much harm has been done to people who think they are defective in some way because they have failed to change themselves into a positive thinker; something that may be very difficult if not impossible for them?  It’s easy for some people to maintain low body fat and it is next to impossible for others.  It’s no different for personality including an optimistic or pessimistic outlook.

I have never considered myself a generally optimistic person and in every test I’ve ever taken my results show a pretty pessimistic personality type.  I’m cynical and sarcastic by nature.  I get angry, especially at stupidity in myself and others.  I’m sure some of this is learned but some of it is also just the way I was wired from birth.  I’ve tried to be more positive and to some to degree I’ve been successful.  But at bottom I can’t simply change my personality and I’m not sure I want to anymore.  I don’t see how it helps me or anyone else.

Looking on the Bright Side

Don’t misunderstand what I’m saying here.  I’m not telling you it’s healthy to be negative about everything, and who likes to be around someone who is constantly bitching and complaining?   I’ve done a lot to shut off my negative self-talk and rumination.  I’ve mostly stopped constantly replaying things that piss me off over and over in my mind.  I’ much more accepting of what is without lying to myself about reality.  I’m much calmer, more relaxed, and more satisfied than I’ve ever been before.  But I’m not a fake positive thinker and I never will be.

I think it is good to not be attached to outcomes.  I think it is wise to accept what is without necessarily being satisfied with it.  It’s critical that you don’t become a victim of circumstances that are out of your control.  It’s a great learning experience to extract lessons from your failures.  But…

If You Are a Real Person, Life is Not Perfect

Sometimes things just suck and are not perfect regardless of what Leo Babauta says.  It’s OK to not be positive when life throws you a screwball.  I don’t think it is healthy to say otherwise and I notice this usually comes from people who have reached a point in their lives where it is easy for them to say that to others.  Everything wasn’t perfect for Leo when he was in debt, out of shape, overweight, smoking, working multiple jobs etc.  Now that he changed a lot of that he tells us that everything is always perfect and we should think the same way.  Well I disagree and to insist otherwise is to lie to yourself.

A Little Optimism Goes a Long Way

I’m pretty sure that optimistic people have less stress and live longer.  I’m not sure they are more successful in other ways.  I’m also not sure that a naturally pessimistic person who tries to be positive all the time would live any longer.  The stress of going against his nature may kill him sooner.  This is the part that is missed in a lot of the bull that is peddled nowadays.

I’ve come to the conclusion that the best approach is to kill the unnecessary negativity, but to live within your nature.  It’s probably a good idea to be a little more positive than you should be given your situation, but not so much that you lie to yourself about anything important.  If I’m going to die from pancreatic cancer it doesn’t help me to pretend that everything is perfect.

Like everything else I’m not really sure about all this.  However, I think the positive thinking approach has gone too far.  I’ve tried it and it didn’t work for me.  I think I’m happier (?) being the crank I was born to be without being overly obsessive or ruminating on the negative.  I get over being upset much faster than I used to and I don’t get upset nearly as often either.  I’ve learned that shit happens and that I should just move on.  The very best thing I ever did was drop my attachment to outcomes.  If things don’t work out the way I wish (and they almost never do), then I try to take it in stride and just go on after making the appropriate adjustments.

It’s OK to be negative if that’s the way you are, just don’t over do it.  Try to use those negative feelings as motivation to do something different.

Happy Thanksgiving to all you Americans who are celebrating today.

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“When you get in the mud with a pig, you get dirty and the pig gets happy.”
–James Altucher

This is one of those problems in life that has a simple solution that is hard to implement.  It becomes more difficult the closer one is to one of these crappy people.  Even though I know what I should do, I still find it hard sometimes.

These kinds of people are not worth your time or stress.  Every second of your life that you spend with someone who is a negative is not only a second you lose from something you value more, it takes something out of you.  It’s not not neutral it is a draining negative.  The effect of dealing with them will linger with you and continue to take away from your precious life.  It’s like a left hook to the head followed by a right.  And for particularly crappy people you might as well take an uppercut to the chin as well.  You may suffer the effects for days to come.

It’s your life and you don’t get it back. You don’t get a do-over. You waste it on stupid, needy, irritating, toxic, and generally crappy people and YOU LOSE.

Making It About You

When you think about, stress about, talk about, or in any way do something about crappy people, you thereby make their problem all about you.  This is where you make the big mistake.

In my own life I have done a great deal to eliminate this problem but I still have a long way to go. In listening to the chatter of others, I think most people suffer from it a lot. They sure spend a lot of time talking about the crappy humans that they deal with; reliving the events all over again.

The Simple But Not So Easy Solution

What follows should be obvious. While writing it I kept saying “Duh!” to myself.   However we seem to need to be reminded about what to do because we obviously aren’t doing it enough.

Three simple words: Avoid, Ignore, and Forget.

Avoid

Avoiding crappy people is the first strategy.  If you know a crappy person avoid them.  This is obviously easier to do if the crapper is a friend of a friend than if she is your mother in-law, but still in almost all cases you can avoid these people more than you might think.  It takes guts to walk away or avoid people who are close to you but you need to set boundaries.

People who interact with you need to understand that it takes two to tango, and that you have the right to avoid them if they do not respect your terms for engaging in the dance.  Often times your family, friends, or colleagues will look down upon for being anti-social or refusing to engage.  However it is your right to live your life as you choose and that includes avoiding crappy people no matter who they may be.

If your mother-in-law (or your mother) is at your home for the holidays, you have a right to inform her that she cannot act that way in your home.  She can either behave or leave.  If you are at her home you can leave.  If you decide you can’t leave you can go into another room and read a book, go outside, or otherwise disengage.

Ignore

Let’s say you can’t actually avoid the person or you chose not to avoid them.  You can then utilize the second strategy and simply ignore them.  Don’t talk to them.  Whatever you do do not argue with them.  Don’t complain about them.  Keep quiet.  To do otherwise is simply to elicit more crap.  If it is your boss or a colleague say as little as possible and meet as little as possible.  You can still be professional, you just choose to keep quiet if at all possible.

The human tendency, trust me I know, is to be outraged, to fight, complain, and stew about it.  If you can’t avoid then ignore, ignore, ignore, and ignore some more.  DO NOT ENGAGE THEM IN ANY WAY.

It’s amazing how much better you feel and how much less interesting you are to the crappy people in the world when you simply ignore them.

Forget

If you have failed to avoid and ignore you are left with the final strategy of simply forgetting about it.  Whatever has happened in the past is done and gone so forget about it.  Why relive the problem again and again?  Every time you think about it, say something about it, complain about it, stress about it, or do anything but forget about it you are reliving the pain all over again.

And So…

You can’t change people no matter what you think.  You will waste your life trying and frustrate yourself to no end.  Just stop.  Avoid.  Ignore.  Forget.  Remember the quote from James Altucher at the top of this article and don’t play with a pig.

This may seem obvious, but evidently most of us can’t seem to do the obvious.

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I’ve hesitated to write an article called “Stop Doing The Unnecessary” because it seemed so well … unnecessary.  Who wouldn’t agree with that?  How obvious can you get?  Of course in our overly busy lives we are not doing things that are unnecessary are we?

And yet in my own life and the lives of those I observe, what I see is a lot of unnecessary activities.  So I think the problem is not the advice should be to stop doing what is not necessary so much as it is getting people to see that much of what they do is unnecessary.  Then it becomes obvious they should stop it.

So let’s start with the basic idea.  In order to thrive you need to do fewer things not more.  We are forever writing down lists or thinking up things we wish we could be doing but don’t have the time to do.  We are adding to our lives when we should be subtracting from them.

I have loads more time to do things I really want to do now than I used to because I stopped doing almost everything else.  And I mean almost everything.  Some of those things were hard to stop because I thought I had to do them.  Even at your job you will find that if you just stop doing most things, nothing bad will happen.  Your boss might even notice how much more effective you are!

I recommend (and use myself) a two step approach to cutting out the unnecessary:

1. Stop doing something completely and see what happens.  Life is an experiment and so try some elimination experiments; some big ones.  It may be scary but the risky ones are the ones that provide the big payoff.
2. If you absolutely cannot stop the activity completely, apply the 80/20 rule.  If there ever was a time for the 80/20 rule it is this.  The 80/20 rule basically says that you get about 80% of the effect for 20% of the effort.  Therefore if you can live with 80% of the results, then 80% of the effort you have been expending is unnecessary.

I stopped doing Facebook and Twitter completely because I did not like the activity and I believe it was only marginally effective in promoting my blog (which was one of the main reasons for me doing it in the first place).  What I got back was time and what I got rid of was an unnecessary pain in the ass.

An example of the second might be housework or yard work.  Maybe you can stop them completely by paying someone else to do them but since money is your time I’m not sure that is the point.  However, the 80/20 rule applies here big time.  Whatever level you are at now, try getting 80% of the results with 20% of the time and see if you can live with it.

I stopped replying to most of my emails because it truly is unnecessary and I have other things I want to do.  I refuse to participate in many requested meetings.  Parents you can stop spending so much time organizing your children’s lives and let them free play or organize their own activities amongst themselves.  Talk about a win-win.  You get more free time and happier, well-adjusted, and self-sufficient children.  Stop trying to control others and you’ll be amazed at how much time and peace of mind you get back.  Stop obsessing, reading, and watching politics.  Stop committing to things that are not truly core to your values because there are other things that are more important.

People will argue about how much of what they do really is necessary.  I know because I’ve been there.  But I don’t believe it anymore.  It’s a delusion.  You feel important by being busy but in reality you are missing what is truly important.   I honestly believe the vast majority of people, and that includes you, could stop almost all of what they think is necessary and would find that most people wouldn’t notice and the world would continue to spin.  Arguing about it is a pissing match that I don’t care to engage in.  Either you get it or you don’t.

Most people won’t take such drastic advice and will continue spending their life minutes on things that are totally unnecessary and don’t contribute to their happiness.  Those who are willing to take a chance and try something different may find a whole new world opens up to them.

If you read this article and then find some trivial thing and stop it, then you will get trivial benefit.  Although I agree you should stop the trivial things, the real payoff comes when you stop the big ones.  The point of this article is not to stop a few small things.  Anyone can do that.  The true test is whether you can stop some big ones that scare you.

Finally, let me say that I know some things are necessary and you just can’t stop them.  I’m not disputing that.  What I am disputing is that much of what we define as necessary and that includes what you do, is simply not.

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I thought this from Angus Finlayson was very clever.

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Life is made up of a whole set of package deals.  It’s the nature of a package deal that you have to accept or reject the whole package, you don’t get to cherry pick the parts you want and reject the others.  The good usually comes packaged with some bad.  It’s part of the nature of the world we live in.

This is the problem I see with those gurus or spiritual leaders who claim everything can be great or perfect if you just look at things differently.  There is something to what they say and I agree with much of it but they over do it.  We think we have the right to demand life be great just because we exist or that it will be that way if we just imagine it.

I’m all for making the best of every situation, looking for something you can get out of each challenge or struggle and learn and grow from them.  I have said as much many times here on this blog.  However, I’m getting a little tired of people in general and gurus in particular acting like everything can be wonderful and perfect all the time.

One of the most important aspects of a good life are its relationships and this is one area where many people seem to not get the package deal concept.  If there ever was a package deal it is people.  Young people especially don’t seem to get this package concept of their romantic partners.  As soon as the move in together or get married, they set about constantly griping about the things, big and little, that they don’t like in the package they selected.  What’s worse is they think they can “change” them.  Sorry, but you bought a package.  Same with your friends.  Make sure you select carefully because a package you will get and not a piece of clay you can mold.

I choose to live in the burbs because I like the space and green surroundings.  I appreciate the peace and quiet most of the time.  But I bought a package deal.  I’m not surrounded by the cosmopolitan atmosphere of a city center and I crave that sometimes.  Instead, I get the burb culture and it definitely can be bland.  It’s a package deal.

Guess what happens when you elect a politician?  You get a package, much of which you aren’t going to like.

When you work for someone else, especially a corporation, you are trading independence and freedom for at least some level of stability and security.  When you work for yourself you are buying a different kind of package.  It doesn’t help to constantly bitch about the parts you don’t like because they come with the package.  Everything is not wonderful and great all the time.

I watched the U.S. Open Tennis Men’s finals earlier this week.  Novak Djokovic definitely experienced the thrill of victory while Rafael Nadal experienced the agony of defeat.  But even Djokovic suffered through the grueling and painful match with a back injury.  He had what many consider the greatest year ever in the history of tennis for a men’s single player.  That greatness came packaged with a great deal of mental and physical stress.  What about all the other players with less spectacular (or any) success?  Most elite performances are preceded by a great deal of not so thrilling practice and drills and yes even the agony of defeat.

Life has its ups and downs.  The downs make the ups that much sweeter.  Life is jam-packed with a bunch of small (and some not so small) packages – packages that bring both the good and the bad.  Accept that and life can be wonderful.

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