I found this in a book a reader recommended called S.U.M.O (Shut Up, Move On): The Straight Talking Guide to Creating and Enjoying a Brilliant Life.  I thought it was funny and I think you will too.

The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends …

I mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time and what do you get at the end of it?  Death!  I mean, what’s that, a bonus? I think the life cycle is all backwards:

You should die first, get it out of the way. Then you move to an old age home. You get kicked out when you’re too young, you get a gold watch and then you go to work.

You work forty years until you’re young enough to enjoy your retirement. You have fun, you party plenty, and then you get ready for senior high school. You go to grade school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities.  Then you become a little baby, you go back into the womb, you spend your last nine months floating … and you finish off as an orgasm.

– Unknown Author

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“He who looketh upon a woman loseth a fender.” — Sign in auto repair shop

“The question is not Is there life after death? The question is, Is there life before death?” — Alan Cohen

“Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.” –Unknown

“All the beautiful sentiments in the world weigh less than a single lovely action.” — James Russell Lowel

“The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits.” –Unknown

“Tell your boss what you think of him, and the truth shall set you free.” – Unknown

“This above all; to thine own self be true.” — William Shakespeare

“Suppose you were an idiot and suppose you were a member of congress. But I repeat myself.” — Mark Twain

“We are always getting ready to live, but never living” – Ralph Waldo Emerson

“The only time a woman succeeds in changing a man is when he’s a baby.” — Natalie Wood

“I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.” — Lily Tomlin

“When you invest your time and energy in stuff that drags you down, you die a little bit every day.” – Alan Cohen

“The only reason some people get lost in thought is because it’s unfamiliar territory.” –Paul Fix

“Until you try, you don’t know what you can’t do.” –Henry James

“Millions long for immortality who do not know what to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon.” –Susan Erz

“Be happy while you are living, for you are a long time dead.” –Scottish Proverb

“If you’re going through Hell, keep going.” –Winston Churchill

“How wonderful it is that nobody need wait a single moment before starting to improve the world.” –Anne Frank

“Never argue with a fool, onlookers may not be able to tell the difference.” –Mark Twain

“To think you know what is best for another person is an industrial-strength ego trip.” –Alan Cohen

“I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.” –Noel Coward

“If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else’s, we’d grab ours back.” — Regina Brett

“If there are no stupid questions, then what kind of questions do stupid people ask?” — Scott Adams

“You miss 100 percent of the shots you never take.” –Wayne Gretzky

“Even if you are on the right track, you’ll get run over if you just sit there.” –Will Rogers

“Doing your best in this moment puts you in the best place for the next moment.” –Oprah Winfrey

“Those who say it can’t be done are being passed by those doing it.” — Unknown

“Only those who dare to fail greatly can ever achieve greatly.” –Robert Francis Kennedy

“The whole point of getting things done is knowing what to leave undone.” –Stella, Lady Reading

“The old believe everything; the middle aged suspect everything; the young know everything.” –Oscar Wilde

“If the whole world followed you, would you be pleased with where you took it?”   –Neale Donald Walsch

“What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.”  –Ralph Waldo Emerson

“The pessimist complains about the wind. The optimist expects it to change. The leader adjusts the sails.” –John Maxwell

“There is no point at which you can say, ‘Well, I’m successful now. I might as well take a nap.’”  –Carrie Fisher

“Ideas are a dime a dozen. Action on ideas is worth a fortune.”  –Unknown

“The best time to plant a tree is twenty years ago. The second best time is today.   –Chinese Proverb

“There are many paths to the top of the mountain, But the view is always the same. –Chinese Proverb

“Most of us spend our lives as if we had another one in the bank. –Ben Irwin

“Take your life in your own hands, and what happens? A terrible thing: no one to blame.” –Erica Jong

“I want to be thoroughly used up when I die, for the harder I work the more I live. I rejoice in life for its own sake.”  –George Bernard Shaw

“About the only worthwhile thing you can learn from a bore is how truly golden silence can be. -O. A. Battista

“Some people die at 25 and aren’t buried until 75.”  Benjamin Franklin

“You can’t build a reputation on what you are going to do”  Henry Ford

“It’s hard to beat a person who never gives up.”  Babe Ruth

“The greatest danger for most of us is not that our aim is too high and we miss, but too low and we reach it”   Michelangelo

“Courage is the art of being the only one who knows you’re scared to death!”  Earl Wilson

“Worry does not empty tomorrow of its sorrow; it empties today of its strength.”  Unknown

“To speak kindly does not hurt the tongue.”   Proverb

‘If you take too long in deciding what to do with your life, you’ll find you’ve done it.”  George Bernard Shaw

“He who studies books alone will know how things ought to be, and he who studies men will know how they are.”  Charles Caleb Colton

“Motivation is the art of getting people to do what you want themto do because they want to do it.”   Dwight D. Eisenhower

“You come into the world with nothing, and the purpose of your life is to make something out of nothing”  Henry Louis Mencken

“I know of no more encouraging fact than the unquestionable ability of man to elevate his life by conscious endeavor.”

Henry David Thoreau

Dance like no one’s watching,
love like you’ll never be hurt,
sing like no one’s listening,
live like it’s heaven on earth.

Faith is taking the first step, even when you don’t see the whole staircase.
Martin Luther King

He that cannot forgive others breaks the bridge over which he himself must travel.
Lord Herbert

It is better to fail in originality than to succeed in imitation.

Herman Melville

Never argue with a stupid person.
First they’ll drag you down to their level,
then they will beat you with experience.

Anonymous