Note from Stephen: This is a guest article by Tess Marshall at www.TheBoldLife.com.  Please check out her excellent blog.

We know people who can light up a room with their presence. They are good at building and maintaining relationships. They establish rapport quickly and effortlessly. It seems like everybody is their best friend. Bestselling author, Malcolm Gladwell, call these people connectors.

With observation, guidance and a lot of practice, we can all build and amplify strong personal characteristics and become better “connectors.” The following methods will help you be the “one” others love to be around.

“If we were supposed to talk more than we listen, we would have two mouths and one ear.” Mark Twain

1. Make Others Feel They Matter. Listen more, talk less. Make eye contact and clear your mind of any of your own thoughts. A good question to ask another is, “Do you want advice or do you only want me to listen?” Listening creates feelings of appreciation and importance.

   “A friend is someone who understands your past, believes in your future, and accepts you just the way you are.” – Unknown

2. Practice Acceptance. Spend time looking for commonalities. When you focus on what is good, what is “good” stands out. Allow others to be themselves. Become aware of trying to change, fix or judge someone.

   “Empathy is the fundamental “people skill.” – Daniel Goldman

3. Practice Empathy. If you want to learn to be empathic, the easiest way is to “walk a mile in another’s shoes.” Empathy is understanding, being sensitive to, and vicariously experiencing the feelings, thoughts, and experience of another.

   “Your presence today spoke volumes. Thank you all for the support.” – Benjamin Crump

4. Make Others Feel Important. Stay in the present moment, don’t multi-task, check your phone or glance around the room. Make the speaker feel like the most important person in the world. Open and connect heart to heart.

   “It isn’t necessary to blow out the other person’s light to let your own shine” – Unknown

5. Let Others Shine. Don’t one up the speaker with one of your own personal stories. Instead, imagine the other person with a sign that says, “Make me feel special.” Practice being the last one to speak when you are with others. Your relationships will blossom.

   “Once someone touches your heart, the fingerprints will last forever.” – Unknown

6. Use Touch. When the moment presents itself touch the other person on the arm or pat them on the back or shoulder. Touching someone shows you care. It creates a warm feeling. As a relationship grows, those small touches turn into big hugs. Touching heals our emotional wounds and creates feelings of acceptance.

   “Affirm the positive, visualize the positive and expect the positive, and your life will change accordingly.” – Unknown

7. Be Positive. Build the other person up by saying, “I understand you. I get that.” Make an effort to point out the positive in any situation. Learn to express humor and make others smile. A great place to practice is with any service clerk.

   “Knowing others is wisdom, knowing yourself is enlightenment.” – Lao Tzu

8. Be Genuine. Nothing is more attractive than being real. Authenticity creates an unbreakable emotional bond. Being real allows for trusting and enduring relationships. Being real in a world that encourages us to be like everyone else, will allow others to feel safe enough to be real themselves.

Tess Marshall is the mover and shaker, at www.TheBoldLife.com , where she’ll hold you accountable for being the boldest you’ve ever been in every area of your life! What would you do if you were 10 times bolder? You can sign up for her RSS feed and receive her updates or follow her on Twitter

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You can’t give something you don’t have.

OK, so the title is a little over the top, but bear with me for just a bit and I think we will get there.  One of the foundational principles by which I have always lived is to be committed to not ever being a burden on anyone else.  I am horrified by the thought that I might be a burden or an obligation on someone else.

I believe that the greatest gift I can give to my fellow human beings is to not be a drain on their resources.  I prefer those resources be used in creating a better world for everyone.  I take care of myself so others do not have to take care of me.  I may not be able to live up to that 100% of the time, but I try.  There are times when it can’t be helped.  Circumstances sometimes overtake us, but for the most part this is within our control.  What at a wonderful world it would be if everyone followed this principle.  I truly believe that.

Over the last year or two I have failed to live up to my commitment.  Yes, I have let myself down and I have become somewhat of a burden on those I love.  I let my health go bad.  I had always focused on financial or other types of burdens, and forgot about my health.  Health burdens can be one of the worst burdens you can foist upon others both from a financial and a time perspective.  However, I have turned the corner on that issue and if I have anything to do with it, it will never happen again.

I raved about Tim Brownson’s e-book in my review yesterday.  While reading that book, I was reminded of this topic in his lesson #2 – Who is the Most Important Person in the World to You? Tim answers that with YOU.  I couldn’t agree more.

The point he and I both are making is that if you aren’t around to give, then you aren’t going to be giving anything.  If you can’t take care of yourself financially, health-wise, emotionally, or any number of other ways then how are you going to help anyone else?  I am not the articulate and witty writer that Tim is, so I’m going to let him say it for me:

… but let me tell you a secret.  The most efficiently benevolent people on earth still put themselves first.  They know that if they don’t look after their own mental, physical, emotional, and spiritual health then they can’t function efficiently.  I’m not suggesting you become self-centered and arrogant or that you neglect your family and loved ones.  In fact I’m suggesting the complete opposite because when you decided to be kind to yourself first, then you will have more to offer others.

Tim doesn’t mention “financial” in his list and I suspect we may differ a little there.  I think that is just as important as all the others, but the underlying message from both of us is the same.

Are you a taker or a giver?  You have to make yourself into a healthy, happy, independent member of the human family before you can truly give of yourself.  If you don’t, you will end up as a taker and not a giver.  There is abundance.  Help others with their abundance by making sure you have yours first.  You can share yours with others and then those you touch along the way as well as all of the rest of us will be living a world that is just a little bit better.

When we talk about giving, your way of doing so does not have to fit into some narrow vision of mine or of someone else.  You decide whether it will be time, money, knowledge, encouragement, mentoring, your happy disposition, a smile, or whatever you choose.

I know this may sound crass but I do not intend it that way.  Suspend your judgement for a moment and think about the idea I left for you at the end of this article.  Ponder it.  Let it bubble around for a while.

Then go visit a magnificent museum or drown yourself in the arts in some other manner that suits your needs.  You may be doing so with the resources donated (just look at the name on the building) by someone who took care of themselves first.  Then they built a library for people who otherwise might never have seen a book.  The librarian is to be honored, but they wouldn’t be of help without the building and the books.

You can’t share something you don’t have.