Over the past few decades there has been a vast wave of pseudo self-esteem washing over our culture.  Pseudo self-esteem has displaced true self-esteem and created a nation of the entitled and narcissistic, especially in the less than 45 age group.

True self-esteem is based upon an a self-appraisal of one’s own competence and worthiness.  Pseudo self-esteem is based up feeling positive about oneself just because one exists or shows up.  Please don’t misunderstand me.  I believe that every individual deserves the benefit of the doubt.  Every human has some basic worthiness as a matter of simply being a human.  That is an intrinsic worth that is part of everyone.  What this article is about is what goes beyond that.  It is the result of personal action and intention.  That true self-esteem can be high or low as a result.  It is not a free-pass given by society.

Pseudo self-esteem arises when we heap underserved praise on others or on ourselves.  I’m sorry but you don’t deserve a gold star just because you showed up.  You don’t deserve credit just because you exist.  Simply repeating affirmations that you are good doesn’t mean you behave in a way that could be called good.  There has to be some basic values to which you strive to feel true self-worth. You must strive for accomplishment to feel true self-competence. 

True self esteem comes as a result of actions and intentions.  It is not something bestowed upon you by well meaning others.  The culture of the self-esteem movement tells us that self-esteem leads to accomplishment.  They have it exactly backwards.   It is accomplishment that leads to true self esteem. You develop the sense of self-worth and competence because you strive for and sometimes achieve results.

Telling your child he is smart is not going to make him successful.  In fact studies show it will make him avoid challenges that might shatter that illusion.  Telling your child you are proud of his effort will encourage him to continue to strive.  I feel I am good because I strive to be good and not because my mommy or my teacher told me I was good.  You can tell a group of children “everyone wins”, but that simply strips all meaning from the word.  At some level everyone knows whether they deserve the praise others have heaped upon them or that they heap upon themselves.  When it is undeserved it doesn’t lead to true-self esteem.  It leads to narcissism and entitlement.

I believe we should praise effort in others and ourselves.  I can feel some sense of accomplishment if I tried hard and failed, but I will feel a greater sense if I tried and succeeded.  I can feel some sense of worthiness if I try to be good (whatever your definition of “good”) and failed, but I will feel a greater sense of worthiness if I succeed in acting in accordance with some basic values.

If you want to feel good about yourself then try acting in a way that will lead to that feeling automatically.  Staring at a mirror like Stuart Smalley and repeating affirmations to yourself is not going to do it.  If you want to develop self-esteem in your children teach them to behave in a way which will lead to its natural development.  Those American children who have been told daily how smart and good they are suck at math compared to the rest of the developed world.  And yet they have lots of false self-esteem; they rate number #1 in confidence about their math abilities.

I think the following sums it up very well:

“Most feel that a sense of competence is strengthened through realistic and accurate self-appraisal, meaningful accomplishments, overcoming adversities, bouncing back from failures, and adopting such practices such as assuming self-responsibility and maintaining integrity which engender ones sense of competence and self-worth.”

– Robert Reasoner

Amen.

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Here are some books I have read recently that I think are worth checking out.

Blah Blah Blah: What To Do When Words Don’t Work – This is an excellent book.  If you communicate ideas to other people then you want to read this book.  It is worth its weight in gold.

Smart Thinking: Three Essential Keys to Solve Problems, Innovate, and Get Things Done – This is simply a smart book.

Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Talking – I’m an introvert and I loved this book.

Off Balance: Getting Beyond the Work-Life Balance Myth to Personal and Professional Satisfaction – A very insightful book on personal and professional life satisfaction.

Thinking, Fast and Slow – A superb book on how our minds work by a giant in the field.

The following two books are short singles so get the kindle version which is much less expensive.  They are both excellent.

Three Cups of Deceit: How Greg Mortenson, Humanitarian Hero, Lost His Way

Read This Before Our Next Meeting

Here are some other worthwhile books:

Innovation You: Four Steps to Becoming New and Improved

Organize Your Mind, Organize Your Life: Train Your Brain to Get More Done in Less Time

What Makes Your Brain Happy and Why You Should Do the Opposite

18 Minutes: Find Your Focus, Master Distraction, and Get the Right Things Done

Mindhacker: 60 Tips, Tricks, and Games to Take Your Mind to the Next Level

Stepping Up: How Taking Responsibility Changes Everything

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Note from Stephen:  This is a guest article from Dr. Sean Sullivan.  Dr. Sullivan has a book and online course available called “The Mind Masters Silent Journey” which I am currently evaluating.  I will be writing a review of them when I’m finished.  The last part of this article is an excerpt from his material.

As a psychologist who spends his days focused on researching and teaching (and living) the characteristics of “peak performance,” studying the influence of the “unconscious” on our lives is a primary area of my work.

To properly honor www.ratracetrap.com with this year-end guest post I’m giving a nod to a most popular post from the beginning of this year. Not surprisingly, Stephen’s article Unconscious Influences on Our Behavior, and the 3 influences below in particular, attracted me…

#1

People exposed to stories about moral indiscretion are twice as likely to choose cleaning products as gifts as those exposed to stories of moral virtue. It seems they feel the need to “clean up” (Unconscious Influences on Our Behavior).

Ring a bell about any holiday gifts you gave this year? I bet there are some funny stories out there. Leave me and Stephen a Comment if you have a good one!

The somewhat ironic-sounding trend of the unconscious part of our minds getting a lot of conscious attention in our best scientist’s labs lately seems only to be gaining momentum. Each passing year, cutting-edge science demonstrates with increasing clarity that our unconscious processes account for even more of our behavior than previously thought.

Beyond controlling all of the vital functions necessary to allow us to remain alive, for example, scientists are bringing to light new details of our unconscious world. These details suggest that the unconscious aspect of our lives is actually ushering real materiality into our lives…

#2

“People ate 69% more jelly beans when all the colors were mixed together than when they were separated by colors.  Along the same lines, presenting 10 colors of M&Ms instead of 7, increased consumption 43%” (Unconscious Influences on Our Behavior).

Now, that’s a fairly literal example of the unconscious creating actual “materiality” in our lives (i.e. our bodies).

Thankfully, we can apply all this emerging knowledge to our advantage as well. By better understanding the unconscious mind we are also learning how we can make conscious decisions to prime our unconscious mind to behave in ways that benefit us. Take a look at the following example of how you can make use of the power of your unconscious mind by consciously priming it to grow your “material” life in ways that you desire…

#3

Reading stories about money making will actually improve your performance on tasks where you can earn money” (Unconscious Influences on Our Behavior).

Simply acknowledging that we are being influenced by the stimuli we encounter each moment helps us recognize the importance of making conscious choices about how and where we focus our attention.

During my latest explorations while writing and creating The Mind Master Journey, I discovered my newest favorite examples of how our unconscious mind ushers materiality into our lives. It turns out that how much we influence the people we are in direct contact with is difficult to overstate.

It is now clear that our choices about exactly who we choose to spend our time with, and exactly how we spend that time, has a undeniable influence on our material lives.

The piece that follows comes directly from The Mind Masters Journey. It describes exactly how our relationships often have a significant impact on how long we live. The piece is a great reminder of how intertwined our lives are with others.

I hope the segment inspires you to honor the importance of your relationship to yourself and to your loved ones this holiday. It certainly does for me. From my family to yours, here’s to hearing, reading and most importantly, writing your own story of health, happiness and wealth in the New Year!

Where Your Inner and Outer Worlds Collide

Today, the view that your inner world is separate from your outer world, or that your inner world functions independently from the inner worlds of the people you are surrounded by, is as scientifically bunk as the notion that the earth is flat. Over the last several decades, our growing scientific understanding of the scope of influence that the invisible dialogue occurring within you has on your outer world has been complemented by an explosion in our scientific understanding of the impact of the invisible communications that occur between individuals and groups.

As it turns out, your story and your body, and other people’s stories and bodies, are so intertwined and interdependent that scientists have now identified and documented a broad range of physiologically based, empirically documented health benefits associated with the non-material transactions that occur in a type of relationship that researchers call an “empathic relationship.” An empathic relationship is a relationship in which at least one person in the relationship experiences and mirrors the emotional state of the other.

We now know that being involved in an empathic relationship provides a range of benefits to your body that extends way beyond simply “feeling good.” The value of an empathic relationship extends well beyond having a vital influence on your emotional development. Researchers have now demonstrated over and over that empathic relationships play a significant role in physical health improvements ranging from better immune function to shorter post-surgery hospital stays to a stronger response to placebos to fewer asthma attacks and even to experiencing a shorter average duration of the colds we catch.

The physical health impact of the non-material transactions that occur in any one of your relationships does not tell the whole story, though. It turns out that the web of relationships you maintain may be the most significant predictor of your future health. The social web that your inner world inhabits, and your outer world manifests, has a direct effect on the duration of the life of the cells that comprise your vital organs. Hopefully, it goes without saying that you require the health of your vital organs to live a long, healthy life!

Even if you experience a good deal of daily stress, having a network of people you can turn to for your emotional needs mitigates the risk of your stressful lifestyle. Conversely, if you don’t have a web of dependable people in your life (and in your head), the emotional stress can profoundly raise the likelihood of your death as compared with people who lead a calm life. Your social web is a vital aspect of your non-material story that determines the health of your materiality—the cells that comprise your body.

Dr. Sean Sullivan is a performance psychologist who teaches how to clearly see the details of your “inner world” by creating your own Mind Map. Dr. Sullivan has written and spoken for ESPN properties. His work has received endorsements from top performers including USA TODAY’s David Weiss and NFL Quarterback, Mark Sanchez.

The Mind Master’s Guided Journey is a 21-day online course that details step-by-step how to create a precise personal map of your “inner world” to follow to becoming an expert creating at whatever “outer life” you choose. “Once you can actually hear and see your “inner world” with clarity, you can’t help but to create and follow your own map that will lead you to the “outer life” you choose to live.” – Dr. Sean Sullivan

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This article is just a random rant.

It’s like a train wreck that you can’t look away from.  Usually I go to Google news to scan the science section for interesting tidbits.  I don’t read the other trash.  However, today as I was scrolling down I saw a headline that I just had to read, something about Kelly Clarkson loosing fans over support of Ron Paul.  Why would anyone stop listening to songs because the artist supported a politician you didn’t like?

I found this:

“I used to like Kelly Clarkson. But I can’t like anyone who is either ignorant enough or arrogant enough to endorse a candidate like Ron Paul,” Spafford Freeman told Fox411 on Thursday from her home in Minnesota. “I have listened to ‘Since You’ve Been Gone’ for the last time.”

Singers are often a wacky bunch and often do a lot of things I wouldn’t do.  But I don’t listen to them because of their politics or other antics.  What is she a hero you worship who has now fallen?  If you like “Since You’ve Been Gone” why the hell do you care anything about the what the person who sings it thinks about a politician who doesn’t have a chance in hell to win?

In any case did Kelly Clarkson say something wrong?  Did she express racist or homophobic views?  No she said she supported Ron Paul because of his limited government stance.

I like a lot of people who think a lot of things differently than I do and who are completely opposed to things I care about.  So what.  You are a shallow person if you can’t accept anyone who thinks differently than you do, much less someone who doesn’t know you from a clod of dirt.

Here’s a good one:

“Ew just found out Kelly Clarkson luvs Ron Paul lyk, 4eva and stuff. Soz Kelly, not your fan anymore.”

What the hell does that even say?  My response is you’re a freaking idiot – 4eva.

Evidently Clarkson apologized because she didn’t mean to offend anyone.  Now that is what I don’t like.  We want people to be authentic but nobody of influence can say anything anymore without offending someone and being ripped to shreds over it.  I wish she would have said F**K YOU, I don’t want any fans who would stop listening to my music over this.   Now that is probably what she thinks but she can’t be authentic so her publicist likely helped her craft a politically acceptable apology.

I guess I’m just getting to be an old crank.  Happy New Year anyway!

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Even though the spirit of Christmas has turned into a consumer obsession, it is still a good time of the year to think about the spirit of giving a little something of yourself to make the world a better place.  This article is about what you individually can do.  It’s about accomplishing something worthwhile by yourself.

I’m not telling you to try and make a difference in anything or not to try and make a difference.  That is a completely personal choice that each person makes for themselves.  Frankly I’m tired of the constant demand for giving of time or money for this or that cause.  It’s a turn off and in my mind counter-productive.  I find myself less likely to give anything to anybody as a result.  You can’t even go through a check out line now without the clerk asking you to donate to some effort.  What follows is my advice on the most effective use of your personal resources should you choose to do something.

Movements

I am strongly anti-crusade, anti-mass movement, anti-group action, etc. I wrote an article last year on this topic and I encourage you to read it here: The Problem With Causes, Crusades, or Organized Movements.  It rarely succeeds and even when it does the result is not necessarily what one had hoped for.  For instance the Egyptian freedom movement, which did succeed in ousting the corrupt Egyptian government, looks like it is going to end up resulting in a strongly Islamist government.  I’m pretty sure many of the young people and women of that movement aren’t going to be happy with the results. Some will be happy and some will have felt like they contributed to something worse.

More often though you end up with diluted effort, wasted resources, and failure.  The Occupy Wall Street movement comes quickly to mind as an example.  Instead of spending time camping out in a park, singing Kumbaya, and being a general nuisance, what if each and everyone of those people spent the same amount of time and effort (mental and physical) actually helping someone in real need (including themselves) on a one-on-one basis?  Think as well of all the public money (police, sanitation, etc.) that would not have been diverted and the useless media attention.   One of my favorite quotes on this summarizes it well:

“Most people think in terms of indirect alternatives – who must be changed, how people must be educated, what others should be doing. Consequently, they spend most of their lives in futile efforts to achieve what can’t be achieved – the remaking of others.” — Harry Browne

Contributions

Even giving your money to a big organization is an extreme dilution of those resources and much of it may go to administration anyway.  Agencies who collect donations often take 50% of the donation off the top for themselves.  It is not unusual for administrative costs to take much of the rest (see for example the U.S. government Welfare Administration).  If you have a $100 to help someone you may end up giving $75 to help enrich those who claim to help others and only $25 to actually help someone who needs it.  Why not take your $100 and find somebody you know needs help and do something specific to help them that is worth the whole $100?  You and they both will end up better off and the bloodsuckers won’t get any of it.  See the excellent expose Three Cups of Deceit: How Greg Mortenson, Humanitarian Hero, Lost His Way (it’s only 99 cents on Kindle) for an example of how some charities fleece the public (and school children) and enrich themselves.  Don’t get me wrong, there are actually some excellent organizations, but even with them your effort is diluted and you don’t really know where the money goes.

“When we decide to do what we can, where we are, instead of looking for others to do it, we feel more powerful and accomplish more.  What’s more, beyond our personal world most of the great problems of our day can be solved only by each of us deciding to take action in our sphere of power.”  — John Izzo

Plant a tree, ride a bicycle, help a neighbor, volunteer your time, buy some poor kid a Christmas present, take a kid who needs a role model to a ball game, visit a children’s cancer hospital, counsel, mentor, or do whatever you feel appropriate.  But stop campaigning for change and joining causes.  Stop wasting your time trying to convince others.  You will likely fail and waste their time and yours.   People are tired of others telling them what they should do with their resources.  You’re better off just being a shining example of whatever it is you are trying to accomplish.  People are more likely to follow your example than be convinced by you getting in their face.

The choice is real simple.  You can either spend your time campaigning, protesting, debating, organizing, strategizing, etc. (e.g. political activity) or you can actually spend your resources doing something that matters to real individual persons.  It’s as simple as that.

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I’ve always thought more money buys more freedom but I’ve also accepted the money / happiness correlations, or more properly the lack thereof that have been the subject of quite a bit of recent research.  I recently reviewed a copy of a forthcoming book that makes one think real hard about whether or not one really wants to be wealthy.  It’s did not paint a pretty picture of the lives of the rich.

Much has been made of the fact that poor Latin American countries often rate as high or higher on happiness scales as rich countries like Japan or the U.S.  GDP and happiness are not generally well correlated above a certain level.  I have encountered claims that after a certain level of income was reached, generally pretty low and little more than enough to ensure you could afford the basic comforts of life, higher income doesn’t correlate well with more happiness.  I know the research is  unsettled and recently I’ve come across something that suggests things aren’t as simple as is frequently reported.

Two researchers, Daniel Kahneman and Angus Deaton, analyzed a large amount of data from the 2008 / 2009 U.S. Gallup-Healthways Well-Being Index and have produced some interesting observations.  This is U.S. data only but I suspect it applies globally as well.  The GHWBI survey measures two different psychological factors:

1. Daily emotional well-being (enjoyment, happiness, sadness, anger, worry, stress, etc.)
2. Overall Life Satisfaction

Interestingly income in the U.S. affects daily emotional well-being (enjoyment, happiness, sadness, anger, worry, stress) up to about $75,000 of household income.  That’s not exactly a subsistence level of income and is significant in that 2/3 of U.S. households are below that level.   This indicates an increase in stable income would positively impact 2/3 of U.S. households in their day-to-day happiness levels.

The other indicator of overall life satisfaction is even more heavily correlated with income levels.  Life satisfaction continues to show strong increases in the U.S. up to household incomes of at least $160,000.   To understand the difference between the two think about how you might report you’ve been stressed or worried daily for the past few days, but you are very satisfied with your life right now.  People who raise children have higher life satisfaction levels but they have lower daily emotional well-being levels than those who have no children.  Raising children makes you less happier on a daily basis, but makes you more satisfied with your life.  I don’t think that surprises too many parents.

I’m not sure what all this means but it should give us pause before unthinkingly repeating that money doesn’t buy happiness because clearly it does.  At least in some ways that are more nuanced than the simplistic claims some, including myself, have made.  I suspect a poor Costa Rican may be as happy as a middle-class Japanese but a middle-class Costa Rican is probably happier than a poor one.  Much of how we feel unfortunately is related to how we view ourselves relative to those around us.  It’s hard not to notice what cars your neighbors drive and what kind of homes they live in.

You have to be careful about assuming that a correlation means a cause and effect relationship.  Maybe happiness causes incomes to rise or something else causes both.

Also At the risk of being politically incorrect I will make an observation about Hispanics in my city of residence – Houston, TX, that may say something about Latin Americans and happiness.  There is a very large Hispanic population here and there is a very large park that is densely wooded and has large undeveloped areas (no roads or facilities) near my home.  I love to visit this park to get my nature fix in the more remote areas.  It’s best to visit during the week as there are very few people there.  However, when I go on weekends or holidays and as I drive through the picnic areas the park is usually packed with Hispanic groups that appear to be made up of extended families and/or friends.  I’m always struck by how happy they look and how much fun they are having while I drive by in my nice car – alone.  In the end I think they may be holding the most important key to real happiness.

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“Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what’s going to happen next.”

–Gilda Radner

I submit the following points:

• Most of the particular details of your situation came about by chance.
• Most of your belief about your control of outcomes is simply an illusion of control.
• People have different kinds and different amounts of natural talent
• Despite all of the above, success is not just “dumb luck”.  There is a reason why some people are successful and it has nothing to do with dumb luck.

Steve Jobs was in the news a lot lately because of his tragic death which was the result of a chance event, pancreatic cancer – really bad luck.  But what about his incredible success in life?  Was that just luck too?  In my opinion the answer is both yes and no.

If Jobs had not come of age about when he did, if he had not met and become friends with Steve Wozniak in high school, or if he had not visited a Xerox lab and have seen the idea he used to create the Apple computer interface, we probably would never have heard of him.  We might have anyway but in my opinion likely not.  That is what I mean by the first bullet point that the particular details of your situation are the result of chance.  If you met your lifelong partner at a party that you only went to because bad weather cancelled other plans, then but for that chance event you life would have been very different in its particular details.

Most of what happens are things we don’t control.  They are just a series of contingent occurrences in our life.  After the fact and in hindsight we compose narratives to explain the events and how we were in control of it all. Gurus tell their story of success and use it to convince you they have discovered the true path to success and that you should buy into it – literally.  The control over the outcomes that these stories describe is illusory.  It is in this sense that much in life is driven by chance events.

I think it is incredibly important to accept the uncertainty of life – that you don’t control outcomes and that conditions will constantly change. By believing we are in control of these events we set ourselves up for failure. When things inevitably depart from our plans we are disappointed by failure or see ourselves as victims of circumstance.

Accepting you don’t control the outcomes, which you don’t, allows you to roll with the punches with a much better attitude. Shit happens so just deal with it.  You control what you can control and then accept whatever happens and move on.

Are Some People Lucky?

Richard Wiseman who has made a specialty of studying luck says that lucky people are just much more open to possibility.  Unlucky people are stuck in routines and are afraid to take chances when opportunities present themselves.  I think he has completely nailed the issue.

Lets say something about Steve Jobs’ life had happened differently and he had not “lucked” into those chance events I mentioned above.  Would he have been a success at something else?  I think it is highly likely he would have been because he was the kind of person who looked for opportunities and took advantage of them.  He might not have become a famous multi-billionaire but probably by any standards he would have been successful.  Other people were in similar situations and saw the same things Steve Jobs did but not create Apple computers.

The one thing that will guarantee you remain stuck in “bad luck” is to be afraid of uncertainty and change and to play it safe.  Life changes too rapidly and too unpredictably for that to be a successful strategy in today’s world.  You might not like it and it may scare you but that doesn’t change the fact that is the way the world works.  Successful people are opportunistic chance takers.  Eventually they find something that works and all the complainers are still sitting around whining about how unlucky they are.

I do not believe we are all equal in talent either.  I watched a documentary called Bobby Fisher Against the World yesterday.  Malcolm Gladwell was on their spouting the 10,000 hour mantra and making it seem like luck had nothing to do with Bobby Fisher.  I completely disagree.  Bobby Fisher had an IQ of 180 which puts him a category that only something like one in a million are lucky enough to be born with.  Certainly without his obsession with chess (he spent virtually all his time with it from age 6 on) he would never have achieved what he did.  On the other hand had he not been born with a brilliant and very unusual mind he wouldn’t achieved it either.  There is luck involved here but in one respect Gladwell and I are on the same page; it’s what you do with what you are lucky enough to be born with that is most important for YOU.

There are some genuinely undeservedly lucky people and some genuinely undeservedly unlucky people.  However, in general I think over time most people create their own luck by either taking advantage of whatever circumstances life delivers up or by failing to do so.  That choice is yours to make.

The Keys to Luck

• Accept that life is uncertain and can’t be predicted and planned out
• Accept that what happens is not under your control
• Be resilient so you can bounce back when life smacks you on the head
• Be open to see the opportunities chance delivers to you
• Be flexible so you can take action on those opportunities
• Don’t be afraid of doing something

“So what do we do? Anything. Something. So long as we just don’t sit there. If we screw it up, start over. Try something else. If we wait until we’ve satisfied all the uncertainties, it may be too late.

–Lee Iacocca”

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So many of us in particular and our culture in general have lost sight of the ends to which we should be striving.  Things like freedom, intellectual growth, happiness,  social relationships, and general well-being.  We have allowed the means to these values to become the ends towards which we endlessly strive.  We constantly are piling up the means, but forgetting the ends to which those should lead.

This is where we are at with the means becoming more important than the ends:

This is where we should be with the ends more important than than the means:

The most obvious of these is money.  It has ceased to be a means to more valuable ends like freedom and has instead has become an end in itself and indeed an obstacle to freedom.  Instead of buying freedom is it buys most people slavery.  Those who accumulate enough chips to buy their freedom usually don’t.  Instead they just continue striving for more.  It has become the end that is pursued for it’s own sake; as a measuring stick for success and status (regardless of what some may claim).

But it’s not just money, it’s happening with just about everything.  Electronic gadgets which should be used as tools for convenience and to connect have become an absurd end in themselves.  The gadget buying for no other reason than to have the latest and greatest has gone over an obscene cliff and shows no signs of slowing down.  I’m not a luddite, but I want to use gadgets as a means to something better. They are like a car with 1,000 unneeded options.  Once you get past heat and air and comfortable seats the rest is pretty much fluffy status.

Our homes are no longer for shelter or an anchoring place for family and friends.  They have become monstrously oversized status symbols or even alleged investments.  They are expensive to buy and operate and many people not only don’t own their home (because the bank owns 100% of the property), but they also owe them some part of the rest of their future wealth.  Congratulations you are now a slave to financial institutions.  Expect them someday to go bankrupt and then get the government to steal more of your money to bail them out.

Our children’s activities are supposed to give them a rich life experience.  Instead they have become a competitive status activity that makes the kids miserable and allows the parents to live vicariously.

Facebook and similar sites were supposed to be a way to connect with family and friends and instead have become a place to display your fake self and compete to see who can have the most fake “friends”.   Facebook is no longer a means to something better, it has become an end in itself.  Do you “Facebook”?

What Are Your Values?

It can’t be money because money is only a medium of exchange and in itself is completely worthless (and government policy makes it less valuable in exchanges).

Stop and think about what you truly value.  I listed some of mine at the beginning of this article – freedom, intellectual growth, happiness, social relationships, and general well-being.

I seriously doubt that anyone actually values an iPad 11 (I know it doesn’t exist).  You want an iPad 11 because it can do three things the iPad 10 can’t.  So what?  Exactly what do those three things contribute to your ultimate values?  I suggest exactly nothing.  Is downloading a movie on your 4G phone in 5 seconds going to make you happy?  If it does you are in serious need of help

The beautiful thing about life is that means to those ultimate values can be achieved by some of the simpler things you can do in life.  In the pursuit of success, happiness, and freedom we have lost sight of those ultimate ends and become stuck in an endless game of piling up means.

If we can focus on our ultimate values and adjust our relationship to the means, we will be a lot more likely to thrive in the only thing that really counts; our experience of life.

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I found this in a book a reader recommended called S.U.M.O (Shut Up, Move On): The Straight Talking Guide to Creating and Enjoying a Brilliant Life.  I thought it was funny and I think you will too.

The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends …

I mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time and what do you get at the end of it?  Death!  I mean, what’s that, a bonus? I think the life cycle is all backwards:

You should die first, get it out of the way. Then you move to an old age home. You get kicked out when you’re too young, you get a gold watch and then you go to work.

You work forty years until you’re young enough to enjoy your retirement. You have fun, you party plenty, and then you get ready for senior high school. You go to grade school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities.  Then you become a little baby, you go back into the womb, you spend your last nine months floating … and you finish off as an orgasm.

– Unknown Author

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I now believe that much of the current propaganda about positive thinking is at minimum misguided and likely counter-productive for many people.  It amounts to self-help snake oil.  This represents a change in my own beliefs brought about by my own experience, my observations of others, and a lot of reading and thinking about it.

Action Is More Important Than Attitude

What matters is not your attitude but your actions.  When I looked in the mirror 18 months ago I didn’t see a body I thought was perfect. I saw an aging body that was overweight without being obese, but flabby and out of shape. I was angry at myself for letting myself go like that and risking my future well-being. Should I have looked at myself in the mirror and said “You’re beautiful” (when I knew I was not) and “You’re perfect just the way you are”? I don’t think so. My negative and honest thinking spurred me on to do something about it. I’m still out of shape but I’m 45 pounds lighter and I’ve kept it that way for over 6 months. I didn’t say daily affirmations. I didn’t “manifest” a perfect body.  I didn’t imagine a body I would never have. I simply changed my diet and stuck with it, even though at times it hurt a lot.  I substituted positive and determined action for positive thinking.  I thought negatively and lost the weight, but far more importantly made a permanent change in my diet that improved my health.

We Are All Different

We humans are very different from one another in our personalities and in general about 1/2 of that difference is genetic.  This is also true for the trait of optimism and researchers have linked some of that to a gene for oxytocin.  It seems absurd that some general advice that is so hardwired into people can simply be changed by “Thinking Positive” and that the results would be “positively” the same for all our dramatically different natures.  How much harm has been done to people who think they are defective in some way because they have failed to change themselves into a positive thinker; something that may be very difficult if not impossible for them?  It’s easy for some people to maintain low body fat and it is next to impossible for others.  It’s no different for personality including an optimistic or pessimistic outlook.

I have never considered myself a generally optimistic person and in every test I’ve ever taken my results show a pretty pessimistic personality type.  I’m cynical and sarcastic by nature.  I get angry, especially at stupidity in myself and others.  I’m sure some of this is learned but some of it is also just the way I was wired from birth.  I’ve tried to be more positive and to some to degree I’ve been successful.  But at bottom I can’t simply change my personality and I’m not sure I want to anymore.  I don’t see how it helps me or anyone else.

Looking on the Bright Side

Don’t misunderstand what I’m saying here.  I’m not telling you it’s healthy to be negative about everything, and who likes to be around someone who is constantly bitching and complaining?   I’ve done a lot to shut off my negative self-talk and rumination.  I’ve mostly stopped constantly replaying things that piss me off over and over in my mind.  I’ much more accepting of what is without lying to myself about reality.  I’m much calmer, more relaxed, and more satisfied than I’ve ever been before.  But I’m not a fake positive thinker and I never will be.

I think it is good to not be attached to outcomes.  I think it is wise to accept what is without necessarily being satisfied with it.  It’s critical that you don’t become a victim of circumstances that are out of your control.  It’s a great learning experience to extract lessons from your failures.  But…

If You Are a Real Person, Life is Not Perfect

Sometimes things just suck and are not perfect regardless of what Leo Babauta says.  It’s OK to not be positive when life throws you a screwball.  I don’t think it is healthy to say otherwise and I notice this usually comes from people who have reached a point in their lives where it is easy for them to say that to others.  Everything wasn’t perfect for Leo when he was in debt, out of shape, overweight, smoking, working multiple jobs etc.  Now that he changed a lot of that he tells us that everything is always perfect and we should think the same way.  Well I disagree and to insist otherwise is to lie to yourself.

A Little Optimism Goes a Long Way

I’m pretty sure that optimistic people have less stress and live longer.  I’m not sure they are more successful in other ways.  I’m also not sure that a naturally pessimistic person who tries to be positive all the time would live any longer.  The stress of going against his nature may kill him sooner.  This is the part that is missed in a lot of the bull that is peddled nowadays.

I’ve come to the conclusion that the best approach is to kill the unnecessary negativity, but to live within your nature.  It’s probably a good idea to be a little more positive than you should be given your situation, but not so much that you lie to yourself about anything important.  If I’m going to die from pancreatic cancer it doesn’t help me to pretend that everything is perfect.

Like everything else I’m not really sure about all this.  However, I think the positive thinking approach has gone too far.  I’ve tried it and it didn’t work for me.  I think I’m happier (?) being the crank I was born to be without being overly obsessive or ruminating on the negative.  I get over being upset much faster than I used to and I don’t get upset nearly as often either.  I’ve learned that shit happens and that I should just move on.  The very best thing I ever did was drop my attachment to outcomes.  If things don’t work out the way I wish (and they almost never do), then I try to take it in stride and just go on after making the appropriate adjustments.

It’s OK to be negative if that’s the way you are, just don’t over do it.  Try to use those negative feelings as motivation to do something different.

Happy Thanksgiving to all you Americans who are celebrating today.

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